True Fulfillment

Dear Reader,

As you scroll through this blog you may have noticed that somewhere along the line entries drop off. This is because I made the mistake of reverting inward and fighting my daily spiritual battles without accountability, friendship, family...and sans the most important support I could possibly find, God. Thus, I let His voice become a whisper in the background of my mind and heart. Unable to hear Him, there was nothing to share with you. How could I offer anything more than the dreadful ramblings of a sinner saved by grace, struggling to come up for air? Then again, I realize that they are not so "dreadful" if they offer the console to someone out there convinced they are alone...You're not.

I have learned many things in my absence from blogging, and God.

1) God never left me nor believed me to be so far gone that I would not come back.

2) Life really is a series of loopty-loops. Some take you soaring high, some pull you down, and either way it can happen so fast and be so dizzying that you find yourself whip lashed and nauseated.

3) I have often been convinced while in the lows of life, that I am a terrible Christian, an unacceptable human being. I have learned that the this is not true but the lows will come and it is how I respond that will determine my happiness and character growth. However, no matter how many times I fall back into the same pit, I am not alone. I am not the only Christian who struggles with faith and sin and God isn't going to abandon me.

Finally, I have also begun to learn about true fulfillment. My husband, Ray, and I had just finished watching something on the television and were about to get ready for bed, when the miniseries Comanche Moon caught Ray's eye. We decided there was no harm in staying up to watch it, seeing as we were sleeping in the living room anyhow (due to a leak in the roof above our bedroom). As it progressed, I found myself only moderately interested, seeing as I could swear it was the last installment of the series. However, as two hours came to a close the line "To Be Continued" appeared in simple white letters against the black backdrop. I found this to be strange but soon discovered this was only the beginning of the series, not the end. In my defence, my husband said they must have messed up because he remembers them advertising it as the last installment as well.

So, when the second of three parts came on, we settled down to watch it, hoping some clarity in the plot would be gained. It was entertaining enough but only left us with more questions. After church last night, with only minutes to spare, we walked into the door and I quickly turned on the television. For a third time, we cuddled up on the couch to watch the characters' stories to develop and waited intently for some sort of epic battle or plot twist. Things looked rather grim for one character and I hoped that there would be a satisfactory way to tie up the strings of her story...Yet, as I glanced at the clock I noted there were only ten minutes left. Those ten minutes painfully flew by without much conclusion or solution to any of the stories that had been opened up.

My husband and I watched Comanche Moon on a whim, and have not seen the Lonesome Dove series I believe it was meant to be a prequel to, but this is not meant to be a review. I was just baffled at how unsatisfying and unfulfilled the series was. I spent six hours, where I could have been sleeping or talking to my husband, traveling along a maze that just abruptly ended, without any way out.

If you're looking to feel fulfilled and satisfied by the things of this world, you're only going to be left empty. I began trying to fill the void in my life with anything but God, only to find the void cannot be filled be filled by anyone but God. It is something I knew in my head, but it finally hit my heart. That underwhelming and unfullfilling sense I found at the end of that mini series will never be how I feel when seek fulfillment in Christ. He will never leave me feeling empty if I let Him truly fill me.

That really is the root of what took me away this time. I am a housewife and I grow weary sometimes. I told my husband yesterday, after someone commented negatively on the cleanliness of my home, that I felt like I dropped out of college, not to become the women I admire who juggle kids, groceries and baking but rather to be a mediocre housewife who scrapes by on the bare minimum she must accomplish. It is not because I want to be that way, it is just how it has become...and it has been that way before. I step into the same pit of despair because I seek fulfillment outside of Christ. I believe God wants me to be a housewife for Ray. He needs me to do the seemingly small tasks around the house. When people minimize what I do, I start to do so myself. If they think I must be doing more, then what is the point of what I am doing now? Why bother? The "I can't" mentality quickly becomes "I don't." I just don't get the things done I need to...and so, when a well-meaning family member commented on how they couldn't understand how we could live "this way" (referring to the clutter and stack of dirty dishes---which in my defense were the right amount for a dishwasher load). It hurt. I already was berating myself for the clutter so it hurt...badly. I was in a funk the rest of the day. Shouldn't have been, but like I said, they hit a nerve that was already raw and exposed.

I broke down and sobbed.

Once I shed those tears, God let me know He was still there. After all the time I had spent seeking satisfaction from worldly things and fulfillment through others, He was there to remind that He never left and He believes I can succeed, because He is on my side. I just have to accept that help. I am not a terrible housewife...I'm just human and I need to learn not to rely on people for my validation. They will let you know down. They will vary in their opinions. I will never be able to please everyone or be deemed successful in every one's eyes. It only matters if I am successful in His eyes...and I know my limits and my strengths. I know when I am giving my all and when I have fallen. He knows as well. So, this is all that matters. I hope I start taking that to heart.

So, I am on the road to recovery, I believe. My husband and I attended Wednesday night service, thus entering the church for the first time in too long...and surprise, surprise, it felt good. It was fulfilling! You can put a smile on someone else's face, offer support...and in turn get a smile and support. God is in the place!

In Christ,

A Work In Progress

Dear Reader,

As I grow, it seems I am more and more aware of where I have come from. The path I have trodden is riddled with pitfalls and stones but somehow, despite it all, I am able to stand tall and look back. I do have to be careful to not dwell on the past, for I do have a terrible tendency to harbor bitterness. However, the fact that I acknowledge this is a sign of just how far I have come.

It can get discouraging to constantly feel my conscience pricking my heart or seeing the many so-called character flaws I possess. Still, there was a time where I would not admit to such things and that is why I feel that acknowledging them is a sign of growth for me. There is something to be said for admitting you have a problem first, in order to "fix" it.

The next sign that I have improved in character over the years, is that I am beginning to realize that even though I am flawed and can change, I cannot do it alone, nor overnight. It takes time, which is really aggravating, but understandable. A flower may seemingly bloom overnight but how long did it take for that planted seed to sprout up out of the ground? It is going to take patience and perseverance. You have to accept that you are going to have good days and bad days. For example: If you are following an exercise regime, you may have a day where you're eager to get out there and tackle the task at hand, whereas other days you just don't feel like even getting off the couch, let alone jogging around the block.

In high school, I remember my English teacher told us about Benjamin Franklin (I believe) and how he tried to break one habit or issue at a time. He would devote something like twenty-one days to each habit, in order to perfect it. However, he noticed that once he moved onto the next issue, the previous one crept back into his life. That will happen! I don't think we will see perfection this side of heaven, outside of the description of Jesus in the Bible. Do not strive to be Christ, strive to be like Christ.

Jesus was without sin. We are not. Thus, it is impossible for us to truly rid ourselves of every issue in our lives that causes us strife. Just work on them as they come up. If you are tempted to swear when you stub your foot, bite your lip. If you know there is something you struggle with, remove yourself from the temptation.

But that is in the area of temptation. I am also talking about attitude. My attitude towards life can be very negative, depressing, self-centered and skewed. So, how do I work on things like that? Again, tackle them as they come up. That doesn't mean I cannot read the Bible in the meantime, pray, or attend church, all things which promote spiritual growth and character but I can also give each thing to God as I am made aware.

Last night I was discussing with my husband how I feel about being a housewife. I told him "You know, this is against my very nature," referring to the fact I am very self-centered at times and lazy. I grew up with my mom telling me I had better marry rich so I could get a maid since I expected to be waited on hand and foot. That is why I chose to be a housewife though. Taking care of the household and my husband brings me joy. Yes, I do, like any human being, desire applause and a pat on the back from time to time, but there won't be any parade in honor of me doing the dishes. I have to accept that I am not doing this for praise. Today's message in Our Daily asked something along the lines of "If you knew that no one would find out about your act of kindness, would you do it anyway?"

Through the simple day-to-day chores of taking out the trash, folding laundry, cooking dinner etc. I find I am working on my attitude and growing. I am learning to do things for myself. If I want a good meal, I have to take the time to make it. When I need a clean dish, it's up to me to put them in the dishwasher. (I know, I got it so hard now, don't I?)

---So, in my day if I start out with some devotions it helps my negative perspective, as well.

---The appreciation my husband shows me for all I do, helps shake the depression because it helps me feel like I have a purpose. Also, attending church and hearing God's word helps that!! Seriously!

---And obviously serving someone else, helps me not to be so self-centered and makes me want to give in other areas. Studying God's word and seeing His provision time and again has also made me more willing to part with things for the sake of helping others. I used to freak when people came over and started eating food that I had set aside for meals or snacks, because I didn't know if we would be able to replace it. However, I am learning that is silly since God always fills a need and then some. How selfish of me to hoard something that wasn't a necessity anyhow, it was gift.

Well, those are just some of my thoughts on improving myself. I hope perhaps you've been encouraged to continue striving to be Christ-like and not give up. Don't forget, He loves us no matter what. My husband knew that I had some personal struggles, like anxiety attacks, but he told me that he asked himself "If she never changes and stays the way she is, will that be okay with me?" He decided that the answer was "yes" and asked me to marry him. He went into this marriage surrendering me to God. If he loves me that much, despite my flaws, how much more does God love you?

In Christ,
Melissa

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

---John 15:13---

Observe

Dear Reader,


The rules of grammar sometimes allude me, so please forgive my rough composition of thoughts...

Life crawls along seemingly slow when you are a child. The break Summer offered, was truly time enough to recuperate from the "rigorous" schedule elementary school offered. Of course, looking back it easy to see those were simpler times. In my buckled-up sandals, matching shirt and short set with my goofy grin brimming from one freckled cheek to the other, the biggest conflict to me was how to wriggle my loose tooth free, so I would not have to endure my mother pulling another out for me or learning how to tie my shoes.


It seems life comes at you much faster when you are older. I still remember dreading my first day in grade one and now it has been over three years since I graduated high school. It is funny how my priorities have changed as well as my concerns. The old insecurities of middle school are still there, in a sense, but when the newest Backstreet Boys CD comes out, I won't be rushing to the store that day to purchase it. I am more concerned with modesty and comfort, over the trends in fashion. I would rather be invited to an At Home America party than a party with loud music and dancing...then again, that is not really something that has changed, it is simply more acceptable for a married twenty-one-year-old to say that, than a thirteen year old girl.


Of course, I do not have the late night, movie marathon, giggle fests we called "sleepovers" with the girls anymore. Somehow, that does not bother me though. At the time, it was exciting and fun to be included but now at bedtime I would rather snuggle up close to my husband and fill out some Mad Libs, chat over a game of Rummy 500 and do our devotions together. A part of me misses the comradory I was able to find in high school and college; the fellowship and accountability was abundant. That is one reason I do sigh a little when I hear about the latest adventures the girls are having in my old dorm, or the new experiences that my high school friends are getting to take part in...without me.


I did make my choice though, and in the end, I do not regret it. Ray is a piece of that time that God allowed me to take home with me and integrate into my life. He strives to serve our Savior with all his heart, which offers a great example for me. Being close to him, has brought me closer to Him. Through Ray, I have been able to see the spiritual growth that has occurred over time.


As a child, my faith was simple. I knew God was in my heart. I believed He had a home in me and was making a difference in my life. It was not until ninth grade though, that I developed a deeper relationship with my Father. Since then, I have continued to have some hiccoughs along the way, but compared to the person I was, I see I am definitely not stagnant!


My parents produced pretty good demonstrations of faith throughout my childhood. Of course, the family devotions, prayer, Christian schools and church helped...still, seeing them continually seeking God's will when it was abundantly clear what He was asking of them, even if it required great sacrifice, they were ready and willing to follow. We were always provided for, even in the lowest of lows. Hopefully, that part of my parents was instilled in me.


One more thought, just because I was discussing it recently with my best friend, Becky. When did I cross into the territory where it is exciting to receive a casserole dish for Christmas? She was just recently engaged and asked me to be Maid of Honor (or in my case Matron of Honor) for her wedding but we both were laughing at how much things have changed. You see, she was with me at the peak of my boy-band obsession and the drama that is middle-school. So, we both just had to wonder "Really, where did we cross that line?" I honestly remember tearing open wrapped gifts at Christmas, oohing and ahhing at the sight of the various toys or CDs I now beheld and then (since we opened one gift at a time, in turn) watching my mom smile as she held up the crock pot she had just acquired and thinking to myself, "I really dread the day I find that exciting!"


It's not so bad though. I see such things as an investment in my life, in my family. Better tools in the kitchen or around the home make my job easier and I more effectively am able to show Ray how much I care. Yes, my measure of success has also been effected. I strive for a clean house and to make sure my husband is comfortable. If I succeed, then I am pleased. Of course, it stinks that it is a never-ending task and everyone else (outside my husband) is under the impression I do nothing around here (that I need a job) but Ray makes an effort to help out and in addition convey his gratitude. My biggest accomplishment, about a week ago, was my first pie I ever made from scratch. Eager to get over the hurdle of "It looks too hard!" I tied my apron 'round my waist, set out all the necessary ingredients and set to work following the recipe in my Betty Crocker cookbook. About an hour later, I pulled a beautifully browned, pecan pie, from the oven. MMM! It was a big hit :)


What have you noticed about yourself as time goes on? Has your perspective changed? If you are a Christian, struggling with the failings in your walk with Christ, look back on the road you have traversed to see how far you've come. Do not measure yourself against anyone or anything else, except of course the Bible. Don't dwell on the past (because all we have is now) but learn from it and understand that one thing the past shows you, is that we are all destined to make some of the same mistakes again...and again. Keep at it! If you are not saved, I hope that you will consider what has been missing in your life and realize that the best change of perspective and the greatest growth, comes in knowing the Lord as your Savior!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."

~John 3:16~

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple."

~Psalm 27:4~

In Christ,

PS: As you observe and ponder life, please check out these songs that pose some questions---
What Are You Waiting For-Natalie Grant
What If-Nichole Nordeman
Why-Nichole Nordeman
Who Am I-Casting Crowns

"Do you want to be free?/Lift your chains, I hold the key./ All power on Heav’n and Earth belong to me."

(Set Me Free-Casting Crowns)

I Don't Have to Be a Christian 'Til Sunday

Dear Reader,


Sunshine pours through the window, as I prepare for church, picking out the perfect outfit and brushing my hair. As I have yet to master the art of walking in heels, I wobble to the car, purse and Bible in hand. We approach the large building and upon stepping out of the car, we begin to hear the faint strains of music ringing out. Upon finding a seat, we are then instructed to stand, turn in our hymnal to the designated song and sing. More songs are sung by the choir, scripture is read, the pastor shares a message that gets the heart pumping and my spirit on fire...then, just like that, it's over. We walk back to the car, feeling convicted, well-aware of where the message can be applied in our lives...but what then? Is that day's church elation enough to sustain me for the week, until the next sermon comes along?


No! And it's not meant to either.


I do not go to church merely for the sake of a pat on the back, although I confess to having to scold myself for proud thoughts. The pastor reminded us that it is not enough to simply be a Christian on Sunday. If all I do for Christ is in the confines of His house with His children, then where is my ministry? I give a testimony every day, whether I realize it or not. How I handled a confrontation in the grocery store, an order that was mixed up, what I wear, which songs I play in the company of friends... The list goes on. Because I am a child of God, I need to live like one every day, not just on Sunday.


The pastor makes it very clear that sitting in that pew is not what saves you and I agree wholeheartedly. It is an important part of your walk with Christ (as I wrote about earlier this month), but it is not what saves you. However, it is easy to slip into the mindset that "Well, I did my part...I went and spent time with Christians, did all that "God" stuff. I'm set for the week." I don't know about you but the rest of the week is where I really find I need God. It is outside of the walls of the church where I truly am me.


I have been going to church for so long, that sometimes I feel as if I am just going through the motions. So guarded, I keep a smile on my face, despite any pain inside, not willing to admit to any weakness. I am also lacking in the art of small talk. If you talk to me long enough I, unfortunately, am prone to spilling my heart out. The rest of my social aptitude is stunted by my shyness. Where am I going with all this? Well, when I walk out that door, grasping my husband's hand and heading to the car, off to the rest of our day...our week...I start to let the truth be told. He knows my struggles. He knows my temptations, trials and prayer needs. He also knows my strengths. There are many other people who sit around me in church. If they are doing similar, in that they know all the right words to say and how to dress on Sunday, but they walk out the door and fall apart, or curse at the traffic, what testimony is that?


We are a walking testimony... That hit me hard. I do understand this concept but lately I have started to revert back to my silent, back against the wall, cowardly self. Rather than endure the uncertain outcome of confronting someone close to me, who is making poor choices, I choose to keep silent. I silently berated myself for not speaking up when opportunities had arose. If I am in my home and there is a video being played that is saturated in fowl language...and I mean, every other second, uncensored (not that that changes anything). ARGH! Did I say something? Rather than offend my guests...I would rather be offended, and in the process look as if I condone such a filthy rant. THAT, is not being a Christian!


I am called to be set apart and no one is going to believe me, if I am sitting there blending in with the world. If you are feeling like the lowest common denominator when it comes to your Christian testimony, don't despair. Do something about it! Be bold! When you hear that voice in the back of your mind, telling you that a situation is wrong, speak up, walk away, do the right thing! That voice is your conscience, the Holy Spirit. Listen! It may be easier said than done, but I guarantee you will have a better ministry to those around you, if you begin to live like a Christian not only when the pastor's watching, but when God's watching.

"I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you to walk worthy of the calling with which you were called."

~Ephesians 4:1~

"This I say, therefore, and testify in the Lord, that you should no longer walk as the rest of the Gentiles walk, in the futility of their mind, having their understanding darkened, being alienated from the life of God, because of the ignorance that is in them, because of the blindness of their heart; who, being past feeling, have given themselves over to lewdness, to work all uncleanness with greediness."

~Ephesians 4:17-19~

In Christ,





PS: Check out these songs!

Testify-Avalon

Secret-Out of Eden
Serious-Joy Williams
Keep Quiet-Barlowgirl

One Giant Step Back

Dear Reader,

Have you ever had to take a giant step back, just to realize all the blessings God has bestowed upon you? I do not mean stepping into a slimy situation that suddenly makes you thankful for what you had, I am speaking of those times where things are going well. Those times where things really seem to be shaping up, and although you recognize it is the work of God, you find yourself too consumed by life to count the blessings around you.

Along this road that is "life", I have hit some bumps, fell into the ditch and curled up in the fetal position. I have known what it is to wallow in self-pity and to question God's provision. Yet even still, He provides. It is when I am overwhelmed with the "I wants", saturated in impatience, that I seem to forget He is daily blessing me. He not only makes provision for my needs but He sees fit to offer me some of my desires as well. How amazing is that?!

So, where did this train of thought board the track? Well, my husband and I bought our first home, last month. We closed on it on the 31st of August and promptly moved in the following day, with much help from family and friends. It has been just over a week now, but I still find myself walking around this house in a daze, in awe of God's handiwork. Our home is beautiful to me and beyond what I would have ever dreamed we would be able to afford or find. It was not a fixer-upper, we were able to move in right away. It has three bedrooms, which offers room for expansion of our family someday, a lovely kitchen, large backyard, your standard living room and bathroom, as well as a laundry room. No doubt, my husband and I are grateful. I did not do anything to deserve such a home, but surely I am giving thanks!

Despite it being easier now to see how many blessings I have, I still find things coming out of my mouth like "Aw, c'mon...Why can't I have a dog?" My husband grows frustrated and sad when I hound on such issues. When I am fixated on what I do not have, it makes him feel like all that he did to make what I DO have possible, was not worth it. Why did he bother? If that is how he feels, how much worse does God feel?

In our first place together, the apartment we just moved from, it was difficult to find my blessings at times. You would think if things were miserable and something good came along, I would be all on that, thanking God and feeling happy. However, I really did not notice them. Having a roof over my head, shelter from the cold, a soft bed to fall into each night, a laptop which I can readily communicate to my family and friends with, and much more. I must have thought those were things I should have anyway because I had to really step back and look at my situation compared to others around the country, or the world, who do not even have walls around them, blankets to warm them, fresh water to drink, food to eat... So, I started to make a point of stepping back to count my blessings. When something was bothering me, or I felt I was owed something that was being withheld (like new living arrangements) I had to really step out of my current situation, to truly SEE my present circumstances.

I just want to encourage you, and mind you this is coming from one of those most negative people I know, that there is always something to be grateful for. There are times where it will be easier to count your many blessings while other times offer more of a challenge. And I must warn you, that if even in those times of seemingly endless blessings, you may still find yourself wondering why you are without things, as I do. That is why whether in good times, or in bad times, it is important to evaluate your life from a different perspective. Take a step back, look at it from someone else's shoes, be humbled and thank the Lord, for He is always good.

"Blessed are all who fear the LORD, who walk in his ways.
You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours."

~Psalm 128:1-2~

In Christ,

PS: Check out these songs: Instead-Stacie Orrico

Blessed-Martina McBride

Count Your Blessings

Making the Bed, Doing Dishes and Going to Church?

To My Fellow Christian,

Church. What image does that word conjure up in your mind? What feeling does it fill you with? If you are like me, it can sometimes inspire a feeling of dread. All those eyes will be watching me, sizing me up. "Is the skirt just brushing the top of my knees too short?" I wonder, shifting uncomfortably in my seat, "Do they find my dress inappropriate, because it shows my shoulders?" Then there are those Sundays where my husband and I find ourselves running behind schedule. We slip into the back of the sanctuary, as the first hymn rings out, straining our necks to see if there are any seats available. As one of my family members unfortunately discovered, some people truly do look down on you for being late. If it is not the sense of judging eyes on my back, it is the overwhelming apathy I feel in the mornings, before I arrive at church. Church? Isn't that a chore?


Despite these not-so-uncommon issues I struggle with, we still manage to rise and shine, or at least rise, most Sunday mornings. You may wonder why I subject myself to something I harbor such negative ideas towards. The reason is: I never regret going.


When I was just a baby, my parents had me dedicated at their church. This simply meant that they were making a declaration to the congregation, and to God, that they would raise me in the church, in God's ways. It also was a call to the people, to pray and aid these parents in that venture. They held true to this, raising both me and my brother in the church. It was not always the same building, or congregation, but it was always God's house. What's more, they did not leave Him at the altar. He came home with us as well, in family devotions, thanking Him before meals, and through the examples my parents set.


Understanding that having God in your life is more than a trip to church on Sunday, goes a long way to accepting why He calls us to join in fellowship with fellow Christians each week.

As a child, I remember sitting in the pew with my parents, next to my grandma and Uncle Mark, looking up at the cross that hung from the ceiling. I am not sure if I could grasp what the pastor was saying nor if I even remember the setting as well as I think, but I do know that the thought crossed my mind "Will I continue this faith when I grow older?" Somehow, I knew I would face a point where I had to decide for myself to go to church on Sunday, to live a life for Christ.

I am not sure exactly when that threshold was passed, but I know I did accept that being a Christian meant being obedient, and that meant going to church. (It means a great many more things too, but I am focusing on this particular topic.) Now that I am married, it is no longer my parents rousing me out of my sleep, urging me to get ready on Sunday morning. It is my devoted husband who spurs me on. He struggles with the apathy, more than the fear of judgement, but I am thankful that as the spiritual leader of the home, he makes sure to hold me accountable in sharing fellowship with God's people.


Once I am there, settled into the pew, going through the rhythm of turning to such-and-such a hymn, rising, sitting, bowing my head... I begin to feel more at ease. I know God's presence is there, amongst us. He brings me peace. In fact, I have even been known to crack a smile. It amazes me how many people stand, rigid and poker-faced, singing about the wondrous grace of Jesus. It is hard to get excited sometimes. I do understand that. I am not saying I am beaming through every song, but it is worth projecting on the outside, so that if someone is watching, they will actually believe you are happy about being "set free".


The messages our pastor shares are like sermons should be. They're not sugar-coated, at times harder to swallow, but always scriptural and always true. I suppose it is to each his own, but the fluff sermons that make you feel good, are not going to translate to anything outside those church doors. Anything is possible, but it seems like more of a challenge...like, stepping out into the world suddenly makes peace, joy and love look impossible.


Ok, so I get something out of the message. What about those who really have a hard time listening? Just a tip: If you find yourself to be someone who has difficulty sitting still, focus that energy into taking notes. I have taken notes on the simplest, most straight-forward sermons, just because it helps me pay attention. (I used to doodle in history class, when there were no notes to take, because I had a lot of nervous energy...but my teacher didn't like that, so I would recommend sticking to note taking. Those around you will be more inclined to believe you're paying attention.) So, reason number one to go to church: 1) A good message, that will convict you and always leads you back to the Bible as the ultimate authority.


The hymns can blend together one Sunday to the next, but there are some that really get me excited. One hymn in particular, "Amazing Love" is our church's theme song. When the pastor calls out "502!" you know there is going to be an increase in the fervor with which people are singing. It makes me smile to see fellow children of God, excited about their chains falling off and being freed from the bondage of sin. Plus, we are worshipping God. He deserves praise. Sharing my voice in a multitude, knowing He can hear my off-key, heartfelt voice all on its own, also makes me smile. He doesn't care! It is beautiful to His ears. 2) Praise God!


You may wonder where my fear of dealing with someone who comes across a little "high and mighty" comes in. Where there are Christians, there are humans...where there are humans, there is sin. No one is perfect, but because of this, some of us pump ourselves up as if we are. It is a pat on the back to think "Well, I showed up on time, so I shouldn't have to move down for them. It's his/her fault for being late! " I am just as guilty as the next person with thoughts of "Well, at least I did/didn't..." My conscience is pretty loud though and quick to remind me, "Yes, but just a moment ago..." or "But you have struggled with that before." Show some compassion! That is the plus side to gathering with these people though. Despite our deficiencies, the majority of us are open to hearing about your heart-issues, your health issues, whatever burden you have carried to the altar with you. There is always someone willing to lift you up in prayer. 3) A support system. A prayer chain.


I could probably come up with even more reasons, but I believe these are the biggest ones for me. I am sure you have heard this many times..."Don't forget! It is not just what you get out of church, it is what you give back." I am not referring to tithing (although, that is something that shows obedience to Christ) but I am talking about being an example. Look at your own life. Evaluate your own walk. Apply the sermon to the life you live, not to those around you. Be the person lending a listening ear or offering a supportive hug and really take the time to read the words you are singing out to the Lord. Feel it in your heart!


But the best way to get excited about going back to church each week, is to take Him with you, wherever you go.


In Christ,





PS: Check out these songs- If We Are the Body-Casting Crowns
Stained Glass Masquerade-Casting Crowns
Please Come-Nichole Nordeman

The Bend

Dear Reader,

Life is full of twists and turns. Some turns take you to the place you always dreamed of, others lead you to a place you did not even know you wanted to be. Still, others can direct you right into the path of pain and suffering. A lot can be said about a person in whether they are constantly looking around the bend, just taking each turn as it comes or living each day worried, even dreading, what may come.

Unfortunately, I am a combination of the first and the last. It seems I am always seeking greener fields yet expecting barren soil. Not satisfied with my present circumstances I keep wishing and hoping for something more, impatient with life. But I waste days before the television, lost in a daze, unsure what to do with myself...scratch that...afraid to do what I want to do. To sum it up: I do not know what is coming around that bend, I assume whatever it is though, it's gotta be bad. Therefore, I do what I can to avoid supposed dangers. This means I don't get out and do much. I'm so afraid of losing life, I am not living.

What it really comes down to, if I truthfully express myself, I realize I am not completely entrusting my life to the very One who breathed life in me. The One who died so that I may live eternally...ETERNALLY! So, why I am so preoccupied with this earthly visit and why don't I trust God? The reason I am once again pondering such things is because of a rather large bend my husband and I are rounding. We just bought a home.

I am sure you were expecting me to say I was experiencing something bad, but that's why I am so upset with myself. This is supposed to be a wonderful, new chapter in our lives and I am consumed by how miserable I feel my present situation is (where we live at this moment). I am so eagerly anticipating this next bend in the road, that I am actually finding it difficult to function.

All the pent up stress from the home buying process and the dealings with our current living situation (which is not ideal, hence our move) popped today and I found myself in my husband's arms, sobbing passionately. I am so thankful to have his understanding and support. I know he does all he can to make sure I am taken care of and I feel very secure under his watch. Somehow, it often seems to be lost on me that God loves me increasingly more; that He can tend to me with His omnipotent power. A loving Father does not wish bad things on His children.

He allowed something good, something truly blessed to happen for us. I have no doubt that this move was orchestrated by His hands. Several days passed before I was able to even accept that the house was ours and we were truly getting out of this unpleasant neighborhood. Now that it has set in I find myself chafing at the bit. I am so discontented. What a way to "live" a life!

If you are someone who is going with the flow, not worrying about tommorrow, leaving that to God, I hope you continue to find peace in His care. However, if the jumble of thoughts I shared above is something you related to, I encourage you to start by picking up your Bible. Something as simple as reading a chapter or two an evening can bring you closer to God. This low I perodically hit, not surprisingly, comes when my relationship with my Heavenly Father is lacksed. Keeping Him in the loop, makes me attentive and aware to all the good things He has placed in my life. In turn, I then begin to talk to Him more, which opens up the needed line of communication. Personally, I keep a prayer journal. Writing to Him is easier.

The bottom line is: Life is uncertain but God's love is certain. If you are one of His children, your future is certain as well. Therefore, I hope you are able to memorize these truths and keep them in your heart. That way, those unexpected bends won't be dreaded and the impatience with the present, will subside.

In Christ,

Death or Life

It's amazing how I often I hear God whispering His truths, yet turn around and cry "Why aren't you guiding me?!" Still, He reveals Himself in the rainbow painted across the sky, in the refreshing rain falling to the earth and through the love of my husband. His love is written upon my life in so many ways but I sometimes find myself angry of this.

It's so much easier to crumble in a heap, cold tears washing over my cheeks and just shut Him out. Following a godly life is a challenge. I look around me at the world. I wish that I didn't have a nagging conscience piercing my heart at every turn. "Don't listen to that" "You shouldn't watch this." "Never do that." I start to harden and look at myself as a lunatic. Bitterness and resentment build up in my heart because I am so hardened. I've been challenged in my faith and I somewhere along the line closed off something I really liked about myself...my heart. I closed it off. Nothing seems to get in and what's worse, it's hard to get things out too. Love doesn't spill out like it used to. I've become so numb and unable to express my love of God. Blog ideas came to me so easily before but then I became overwhelmed at the thought of offending someone. I started to believe that I really had nothing to offer anyhow. Who wants to hear about all this God stuff? My blog would likely get a lot more attention if I plastered some seductive picture of me on my profile, and talked like everyone else.

I'm not supposed to be like everyone else though. Christians are called to be set apart. Why does that torment me so? Well, I've seen me when my life is all about God and I've seen me when I succumb to listening to music I know is wrong. I somehow convinced myself that it couldn't touch me anyhow. It wouldn't effect me if I didn't let it. That is a false rationalization. I found myself sucked into an episode of Maury the other day. He had a bunch of mothers come on the show to confront their teenage daughters about how they were living. They needed to know if their daughters were lieing to them about having sex. I watched in horror, yet completely engrossed as each girl walked out on stage waving both her middle fingers and constantly bellowing "You don't know me!" with a myriad of bleeps interjected. Each of them threw a fit as Maury announced the results of the lie detector tests, which found they were indeed sleeping around. I couldn't help but wonder if it was scripted, but still I watched these fourteen, thirteen and fifteen year old girls tell their mothers "I'm grown up! You need to back off! It's my life!" They were little girls and wanted to be out in the world, living it up. Of course, the solution on the show was to bring in a couple guys to scream at them and then send them to jail for a few days, to have women yell at them. As the show wrapped up, I felt sad. I'm sure it would take a pretty stubborn soul to not be torn apart by that experience. But what about when they went home again and the shock treatment wore off? Would that stick? Would it be enough to keep those girls from being raped, getting pregnact or contracting an STD later down the line?

Aside from feeling completely lethargic and worn after watching that show, I realized how grateful I was to have parents who loved me dearly. I was also grateful to have God in my life. A few days later I watched a video on Barlowgirl's website, where one of the girls is explaining the inspiration behind the song Psalm 73. She shared that we look at the world sometimes, and think they have it better. They're partying and living life to its fullest. That's all they'll ever have though. This life will pass and they will live in eternal torment. Ultimately, they are empty inside. What is there to look forward to when there is no hope in your heart? I have that hope! I've tasted the world and it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. It leaves my heart heavy and burdened. My head is foggy and pained. This life is transient. My treasure is not here. It's being stored somewhere where nothing can destroy it. No one can take it away from me. On this earth, I want to genuinely be able to say "My God's enough for me."(Psalm 73-Barlowgirl) I've taken a deep look at my own life. I know right now I cannot completely and honestly say this. Can you say God is enough for you? Do you have this hope in your heart? These questions may seem simple enough. A quick "yes" or "no." But I challenge you to dig deeper and truly search your heart. If your answer is yes, I pray you'll remain strong in the Lord. If your answer is no, I pray you will desire that hope. It will remain open to you, as long as you live on this earth. I pray you accept it.

Conversations With Satan

Satan: I see you're writing up another blog.

Kristin: ignores the comment and continues typing

Satan: Not talkative today, eh? Well, that's a shame. By the way, you missed a comma there.

Kristin: You're right I am not talking to you... realizes she just talked to him Aww man...

Satan: smiles I knew you'd come around. So, what's this blog about?

Kristin: stops typing I'm warning others about the mind games you play.

Satan: Mind games? What do you mean? Is that like a rubix cube or Clue?

Kristin: Don't play dumb with me. You know exactly how manipulative you are.

Satan: Well, who reads this blog of yours?

Kristin: resumes typing People.

Satan: What sort of people?

Kristin: Mostly friends and family.

Satan: Hmm, that's not a lot is it?

Kristin: If those who read can benefit from what I have to say then it does not matter how many read it, it matters that those few were touched.

Satan: You don't sound like you completely buy that.

Kristin: Of course I do...I guess.

Satan: So, not many people read it...How many people are you convincing of these so-called mind games I play?

Kristin: Stop! holds up her hands palm out Back off. This is something that God has placed on my heart to do for Him. I am not going to let you ruin it. Now you've completely distracted me from what I was saying...tries to find her place

Satan: waits for her to begin typing again You'd think that if God really wanted you to do this for Him that He'd provide a broader audience.

Kristin: glares No!...Well, maybe...Wait, no! See, this is what I mean. You get in people's heads and try to sway them from the truth. God did call me to write about the lessons He has revealed to me. Just because you don't want other people to know the truth doesn't mean I am going to stop writing. Deal with it!

Satan: So you think you could use some more people reading it...I don't see many comments on most of your entries. Your own friends and family don't really seem to take much care in reading your blogs. Sounds like God is just setting you up for failure.

Kristin: Yeah, it is annoying that they don't take the time to read them...but my views are not very popular...so maybe that has something to do with it.

Satan: Writing about all that God stuff losing you friends?

Kristin: Sort of...Feels that way. Oh, and it's not all that "God stuff" it's Truth!

Satan: Maybe you should lighten up. You do come across judgmental and narrow in some of these. I can see where you could face some adversity.

Kristin: Do I really sound narrow and judgmental? I try so hard to paint the portrait of a sinner saved by grace, but...but...it just seems to be buried underneath my biblical beliefs.

Satan: Write about something less controversial. I am sure they'll read your blogs then. That way you're still writing...right?

Kristin: Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Snaps out of her lull Actually, no it doesn't. That is exactly what you want me to do! You want me to quit trying to win souls for Christ and abandon my goals and soon you'll have me questioning the very beliefs I feel so strongly about. That's not happening!

Satan: You have it all wrong, Kristin. I just...

Kristin: Cuts him off You just what? Just are a pain? Yes, you're right. Now, stop bugging me. I have a new angle for my latest blog. Before I start that though...

Kristin: Dear Lord,

Satan: No! Don't stop talking to me. C'mon we were having a good time there for a bit. You got my point!

Kristin: Lord, thank you for blessing me with a talent for writing in order to express myself. Not only have you equipped me with the talent, but also the drive and desire. I love to write and what better way for me to get your name out there than through writing.

Satan: sarcastically Oh nuts...I lost her for now. Well, I'll try again later when no one reads this great blog she is about to write. Later!

Kristin: Satan has tried to discourage me and I must confess it worked. I have found renewed hope in each blog...only to find little response if any. It's hard, Lord. I want to know that people are being ministered to. It's about you. Make it all about you.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen

smiles and begins typing a brand new blog

Battle Cry

I am not completely devoid of any joy
But I find a negative attitude much easier to employ.
I read many a book about the real me
and realize more and more
how much I don't deserve eternity.
Not with the Holy Savior.
Not with my Heavenly Father.

Ever since my humble repentance,
I've had access to His glorious defenses.
But you try to get me down,
Telling me I look quite well with this ugly frown.
"A scowl and a sneer, that will bring them near."
Oh, but you know that is not true.
Go away, leave me be.
I do not want you in my life,
all you cause is pain and strife.
Weavers of lies under the Father of Lies,
and you prey on the weak,
who by your words abide.

I can cast you down.
I can cast you out.
Then why do I take so much time?
Why do I let you in for awhile,
pull up a seat,
find out what intrigues you'll use as deceipt?
Why do I entertain those words, and
let them linger?
You are not part of this equation.
My home is not here for your invasion.
Again, I put my foot down.
Leave!

I call on The Truth
and you're gone.
As long as I keep my Sword at my side,
and raise my shield against your fiery arrows,
I will continue safely down the narrow.
Away from me!

Don't call me naiive or innocent,
as if it is an insult,
as if it is a crime.
You use others to do your dirty work,
and in the shadows you choose to lurk.
But when the Light is shone on you,
you're exposed as weak and powerless.
Do not bend the truth of my Father's Word.
Do not denounce its worth or value.
It was written then, it rings true now.
And only at the King's feet will I bow.

Didn't you hear me?
I said you can't win.
I am no longer burdened by every sin.
Jesus shed every one of them on the cross,
so that in Heaven I shall live.I accepted this, I will be there.

On earth you will wander,
and try to bother.
But you'll soon answer to the Father.
You'll be back with your pack of wolves,
but mark my words I am getting stronger.
Not by might of my own,
but only by the might of the throne.
This is life is His,
you cannot have it.
I'm His child.
Redeemed.
Justified.
Forgiven.
This is a war
you just cannot win.

Weathering The Storm---Under God's Watch Box

In my more sane moments, I am able to acknowledge the profound love of God. However, if you have been under attack you understand that nothing but that attack seems to get through, until you choose to fight back. This morning I woke up to the alarm clock alerting my husband to get up. He did so, and I remained in bed as I had no reason to get up. I did eventually get up to spend some time with him before he left. I enjoy those moments, before I have to say good-bye for the day. After he left, I returned to bed, but browsed the internet for awhile. I checked my usual sites, and then determined I needed more sleep. As I was about to put my laptop into hibernation, weatherbug chirped at me. I did not think much of it, until I noticed it said "tornado watch." TORNADO?! I quickly checked another site to confirm the areas under the watch, and promptly got up and ready for the day. I'm not a huge fan of storms. The fear is irrational, but it is there nonetheless. I peered out our back window to see what it looked like only to find large, billowing, dark clouds. Needless to say, this did not help my frantic state. What made matters worse was the watch was in effect until the time my husband is usually arriving home. What good did that do me? I tried to reason with myself, but the "what ifs" kept swirling around in my head. Shaking, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She was just starting her class but, fortunately, she had a helper there to keep the kids on task while she calmed me down. She was sympathetic to my concerns, but told me to simply think it through. If there is a warning, where do I go for shelter? Do I have a flashlight handy if the power goes out? Mom suggested I put some water in the fridge and gather some of my important documents, just so I had them on hand. She did not tell me to panic, just know how to be prepared in the event a tornado ever did hit. We talked for a bit longer, and I went back to sitting, tensed up, with my laptop in front of me. My ears were alert to everything, and I found my head kept turning toward the window. When the power briefly went out, I was also reminded of the fact that I would no longer have any access to the outside world. The phone would not work, nor my internet connection. Somewhere in all this, I had started to write a blog...I thought I'd share it with you, so that you can see what happens to me when I am not letting God handle the situation:

"Ok, so the whole downside to living in a tropical climate is STORMS! I absolutely HATE storms. Why am I in Florida then? Well, it was the only way Ray and I could start out on relatively stable ground. Anyway, there is presently a tornado watch for my area, and for those who know me this prompts sudden panic. I suppose this is one of those moments for me, where I have to let go and trust God. In theory, it sounds so easy. God can calm the roaring ocean and silence the storm. He's omnipotent! Trusting a situation to someone like that makes perfect sense. However, it is me we are dealing with. Irrational fears? I'm an expert. Don't let that fool you into thinking that I am a complete mess. I have prayed. I am remaining aware of my surroundings, and continually talking to God. It is really dark out...and all peaceful. Ray's at work so I am, as far as humans go, alone. I'm afraid. I'm not ashamed to state this to you. I've never really written one of these blogs WHILE I am facing a spiritual attack. Why do I call this a spiritual attack? Well, God certainly is not the one who is causing me grief. ---Ok, I called my mom. Doing better. It's raining. Rain I can deal with. I can't believe this is only a taste of what is to come with spring and summer. She always helps me think things through. I cannot believe the day has only just begun. I suppose that is why I wrote the story I did. Sometimes it just feels like I close my eyes to the battle for a moment, only to wake up to another attack. It wouldn't wear me so much if I simply ... Sorry, power just went off for a moment. That also means I cannot be online, or call out. Disadvantage to Vonage... Anyway, I suppose I shall close for now. Just needed to get this off my chest."

I did not make much sense, and I kept going around in circles trying to reassure myself. Would you like to know what finally got me to a place where I was much more calm? I used a method that is well-known and very easy, but often slips my mind when I am afraid...until I realize I cannot fight it off on my own power. All I did was prayed! I opened up a blank document in Word and just typed my heart out to God. I didn't worry about all the errors I was making because I was typing so frantically (and missing keys because I was shaking). I just said all I had to say and asked for protection over not only me, but my husband and everyone else in the watch box. In the end, I came up the console that I was not in a tornado watch box, I was in God's watch box. It sounded corny, but it was true and reassuring. There may be a watch out, because the conditions are right for a tornado to form, but there is someone bigger than any weather system watching over me. The rest of the day I was still jumpy, except deep down I felt as if God was protecting me. Spiritual attacks are not pretty, and they can make you fall to pieces over the smallest things. The great news is, no matter how many pieces we crumble into, God knows how to put us back together. If we are going to forget His power and be broken, then isn't it good to know that the One who catches us can not only put us back together, but make us even stronger. We are not the same as a shattered vase, which is only weaker if you are able to glue it together. No, God builds us up each time, so that we are less likely to break, at least not in the same spot. I am still not sure how it all works, but I am glad that He cares so much for me, despite my stumbles.

The Daily Battle

Emma dusted off her blue satin dress. She slowly rose from the dirt path she had fell upon, with determination blazing in her eyes. Focused, she tightly squeezed the grip of her sword. The blade caught a beam from the moon, and shone for a moment as she held it out in front of her. A taunting voice spoke, "You are alone. You had better admit defeat." Emma planted her feet more firmly and narrowed her eyes, to indicate she was prepared to fight.

"I am not alone. This fight cannot be won on my strength alone, and surely my Lord is fighting by my side."

"Fool! You speak of a dead man. It's ludicrous enough you are fighting on behalf of someone who has already been defeated, but to not even accept this defeat...well now, what sense is that?"

"You think I am mad? But alas, the great I Am is the ruler of this land. He has conquered this heart of mine, and there is nothing you can do to penetrate it My Lord lives."

"Lies you weave, indeed. Or perhaps, you are simply victim to those who first wove them. Either way, you are in need of enlightenment. Lay down you sword, and come dine with me. We can share a great future together. You are a pillar of beauty, my dear. I can make sure that the entire land knows of this, and that you may have pick of any man you desire...whenever you desire. Just come with me."

Emma felt the warmth of temptation dancing in her mind and for a moment let her guard down. It opened the ground for her supposed enemy to grow closer. A chill touched her neck and spread down her spine. Suddenly, she snapped back to her position and shouted, "I do not need the people of this land to bow to my beauty. I am merely a reflection of the one who created me. Let it not be me who they see, but rather my Lord."

"But what of suitors? You are but a humble servant to your Lord, poor and dressed so shabby. Is my offer of such a prospect wrong? Does not your Lord wish you happiness? Ah, but perhaps it was the many suitors...if I may offer just one, would it change your mind? Marriage is a respected constitution in your group of servants. Perhaps, this will please you. But please, drop your sword, and come with me."

"A husband would indeed be a blessing, but my Lord says he shall provide one when the time is right. I am but eighteen..."

Sensing a weakness in her voice, the sly Prince of the Night reached out his hand. "Come" he repeated, "I can see you doubt the provision of your Lord. You have right too. He told Margerie the same thing, and look at the spinster. She has fourty-three years and four cats to show for that promise. I care about your well-being. I want you to enjoy life and have all that you deserve."

Despite her best efforts to negate all he said, Emma found herself buying into his offering. "What would I have to do if I took this gift from you?"

"Ah, Emma, just be more open to my suggestions. Your Lord tells you not to speak to me or my army, but you do not even know what you're not listening to. You are missing out on some of the joys of life, that your Lord does not allow in his followers. Is it merely enough that someone who is dead, said long ago that you should not do something, to keep you from not partaking? What is it that you are gaining? Is he going to punish you? You say he calls you one of his own, and that he loves you. How could someone so loving punish you? What is there to lose? If all you say you believe to be true, then in your own logic, you really have nothing to lose. Your ties with him cannot be broken, and are guaranteed once you have signed the cross at the castle gates. What is holding you back?"

Emma lowered her sword, and the slippery prince grew close enough to breathe on her neck. His words seemed to be taking hold of her, and she found her knees growing weak. He began to whisper words of wealth into her open ears and it all poured into her willing mind. She let him take her hand, and allowed him to lead her down the moonlit path. The prince was smiling a brilliant smile, as some of his friends introduced themselves to Emma. Each pledged his loyalty to her and offered her a piece of the forbidden joy she had been closed to. It was all soaked into her mind, as the sword she had laid down, grew further in the distance. Her body felt so weak though her mind was full of all these new intrigues. Emma's braid began to unravel, and the blue satin dress started to fade, as she approached the dwelling of the prince's followers. The kingdoms had been divided long ago, she recalled. The Prince of the Night had had a disagreement with King Illumination. The King was angered and sent him away, with all of the other mutineers. Therefore, the kingdom had been divided. Her heart beat rapidly, as she grew near to the party. Everyone was rejoicing and doing whatever they felt pleased them at the time. Emma, despite the trance she had been under, was appauled at the immorality she witnessed. Everyone was naked, and unashamed of this fact. Wine was being passed around to those who seemed quite inibriated already. A spread of food was laid out, that seemed well picked over. Some people were moaning over the amount of food they had eaten, but did not leave. The realization of what she had done swept over her heart and she felt remorse. She looked over her shoulder, and saw that even though she had left her companion behind, he was still behind her. The Prince, perceiving he was losing Emma's confidence, pulled her into the herd of people. Her hair fell in tangled knots about her, and her dress was promptly ripped from her body. She stood naked amongst the strangers, who were curious about the new arrival. A gray-haired man, with several missing teeth hollared at Emma, and let out a whistle. She was cold, shivering and ashamed as her eyes met those of her Lord. He had followed her, stuck by her, even as she turned her back on him completely and left him in the dust. She immediately fell to the ground weaping. The Prince scoffed at this, and prompted the rest to as well. Out of the darkness, she saw an outstretched hand offer her a pure white garment. Eagerly she put it on. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted her sword. She lunged for it, just as one of the Prince's companions pulled a blade from his sheith. Emma lashed out with the sword, throwing all her passionate anger into each stroke. Triumphantly, she watched the first opposer run off cowering in pain. However, to replace him came two more. It took longer to send them running, but she managed to fend them off. Yet, four more came. She took a blade across the face, as one of the mutineers cackled. Blood trickled from the wound, but she pressed on, only to suffer another blow to her leg. "Where's your Lord now?!" Another mutineer sneered. Emma's heart sank as she realized she had again abandoned her Lord. She called on him to help her. One of the mutineers tripped her and sent her plummeting to the ground, another stood above her, ready to plunge the sword into her chest. A shimmering blade made an intervention, just inches from her body. A row of soldiers from King Illumination's army stood in between her and the dark army of the Prince. The mutineers backed off, and the Prince made some comment about how he just did not feel like fighting anymore and went back to his party, but you could see the fear in his eyes. Emma took the hand of her Lord to help her off the ground. He touched her cheek, the blood ceased its flow from the cut and she was healed. She stood before the Lord she had devoted her life to, and yet seemed to daily stray from. She asked his forgiveness for disobeying his commands, and for thinking she could win the battle alone. Emma knew that she had only made it through one day. As the sun began to peek over the horizon, she knew she had a new day to face. Emma hoped she would take hold of the victory she had in him, before she fell so far the next time. He assured her that the battles would come, but that he would always be there to fight by her side, if only she'd ask it of him. Weary, she found herself being carried by her Lord and Savior, on her way back home.

Setting The Mood

I am sure many of us have been scanning the radio stations and come across a song that caught your ear. Maybe it was catchy; It had an amazing guitar rift, a shoe-tapping beat or unbelievable vocals. People often feel that they can listen to music without the words effecting them. I have numbed myself to the context of the words before, or justified them, but I have not been able to shut them out. Somehow, I find myself soaking up the tone and message and having it consume my mood. In the past, when I was depressed I would throw on Jewel or something that I found melancholy. Angry? I'd crank up Garbage or some other screaming, rock group. I have since come to the shocking conclusion that this only drags me down. Sounds simple, but I know I am not the only one who finds it enjoyable to wallow in pity. If I am upset, I don't want to ruin that by smiling and moving on, or giving in and admitting I was wrong. However, this is not a lecture on whether or not to listen to secular music. Think back to the song on the radio you stopped for. Was it catchy, or did a word or two enter your ears and hit close to your heart? More often it will be the music or vocals that attracts me to a song, but I also find there are some songs that lyrically could have been penned by me. Not in the sense of talent, but in that the words are as if they sat down and interviewed me. These are the songs I now choose to listen to more often. I find a song is a lot more meaningful, and lasting if I can wrap my heart around it. My hope is that at least one of these songs you will be able to read and exclaim, "That is me!"

1) Let Go-Barlowgirl
There are many moments in my life where I have curled up and just wanted to give up. I did not understand what God was doing in my life and I was afraid to move on. He was calling me to do something beyond my own strength and it was scary. This song is about those feelings. Barlowgirls inspiration behind the song says it best:
“ 'Is God gonna come through for me this time? Is he going to get me through this one? What he told me to do is really scary! Should I really wear modest clothes/stop dating/quit my job * ??? (insert what God is telling you to do here)'
This, guys, is the point of victory. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything up to this point is just talk. Faith in God means action. Just saying you have faith isn’t enough.
That’s what this song is. The chorus is the terrifying, scary, adrenaline rush of trusting God.
Oh, and it’s worth it. ;-)"---Barlowgirl
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/barlowgirl/let-go.html

2) Voice of Truth-Casting Crowns
From the opening words, until the end, I can completely relate to this song. I wish my faith were stronger. I have wanted to step out of my comfort zone and trust God was not going to let me fall, only to cave to Satan's lies and the discouraging words people throw at me. I love the chorus though, because it is what I have to remind myself constantly, "The voice of truth tells me a different story."
"But the voice of truth tells me a different story/The voice of truth says, 'Do not be afraid!'/The voice of truth says, 'This is for My glory'/Out of all the voices calling out to me/I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."---Casting Crowns
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/casting-crowns/voice-of-truth.html

3) More Than You'll Ever Know-Watermark
I have been blessed with more than one person I could sing this to, but I can apply it to my husband right now. He has been a true friend through many trials. When he comes home from work and tells me he has prayed for me, it shows me his love. He fights my fights with me, and I am very grateful to have a best friend who brings me closer to God.
" 'Cause you've been more than a friend to me /You fight off my enemies /'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life/ And you'll never know what it means to me /Just to know you've been on your knees for me/ Oh, you have blessed my life /More than you'll ever know."---Watermark
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/watermark/more-than-youll-ever-know.html

4) I Need You to Love Me-Barlowgirl
I can relate with several of these girls' songs but this one is really close to my heart. I've seen how many times I seem to sin and stumble in the course of a week. My flesh is weak, and I get so discouraged. I just look to God and wonder why He still loves me. Why does he still want to be near me? I wonder the same of my husband. I cause him pain with my words, and actions, and yet he stands by me. God has revealed many of His truths through my husband. When I start to believe that I am worthless in God's work and hopeless, I sing this song in my head or aloud.
"Why, why are You still here with me /Didn't You see what I've done? /In my shame I want to run and hide myself /But it's here I see the truth /I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]But I need You to love me, and I /I won't keep my heart from You this time/ And I'll stop this pretending/ that I can Somehow deserve what I already have."---Barlowgirl
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/barlowgirl/love-me.html

5) Alabaster Box-CeCe Winans
I am a sinner, and I am not deserving of Jesus' cleansing blood, but that is the point. I am not deserving, I did not have to earn it, He died for me anyway. I am a sinner and I have come humbly before God, and only He knows what happened in my heart the day He entered in. Only He has seen the change in me as I have fallen at His feet, in times of sorrow and asked for forgiveness.
"You weren't there-/the night He found me/You did not feel what I felt /When He wrapped His loving arms around me/And you don't know the cost/Of the oil in my alabaster box."---CeCe Winans
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/cece-winans/alabaster-box.html

6) Surrender-Joy Williams
Many times I take my life back from God, and think I know better. My plans are better and the things I have in this world are more pleasing to me. However, I have sung along to this song of surrender many times, with tears in my heart. It is such a refreshing feeling to sing this to Him and pour myself into the words. Surrender.
"Everything I held so precious/Everything I kept away/I give it up, give it up/All for You, /I give it all for You/Everything I held as treasure/I give it all for You, /I give it all for You."---Joy Williams
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/joy-williams/surrender.html

7) Thinking Over-Dana Glover
I am not quite sure what she meant the song to mean, but I have applied what I interpret it to mean, in my own life. When things were falling apart between me and my first boyfriend, I started to question God. I put my foot down and said, "No, we're going to be together forever!" When I played this song and it got to the part where she sings, "Father, which way should I go?/I cannot clearly see/ Oh, I love him so/ But only you know if he's the one for me." It was so hard to sing along with the last line, but it was true. Only God knew if it would be for forever and I had to accept this. Had I accepted it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Following God and trusting Him, is often a true leap of faith.
"Am I ready for forever?/ Oh God show me a sign/ Cause if we're to be together/ Then it's got to be divine."---Dana Glover

There are many other songs that have found a home in my collection. Maybe one of these has been added to your playlist. I would be glad to hear about songs that have really stood out in your life as well. So, feel welcome to share your revelations as well and may God bless you.

Question and Answer

It is a new year. I wonder these days exactly what that means. One more year behind me. One less year to make an impact in. Presently, I am rather discouraged. My mind is under attack, and I feel myself going under. I live my life as if I am facing unbelievable heartache, because I buy into the lies Satan's demons tell. When I first started this blog I was enthusiastic. My husband saw my desire to write, and told me to pursue it as my ministry. He told me about this site, and encouraged me to create a blog. That is just what I did. However, I have found myself beginning to drift from the idea. It is not because my desire to write has faded. To be honest, it is because I have another blog that I write simply to keep my friends updated about what is going on in my life. However, I find little feedback and not many people visit it. At one point I shared an issue that I felt passionate about and merely started an uproar amongst my friends. I've never felt so defeated emotionally. I am currently believing that if my friends will not even back me, and support me, then who will listen to me? What is the point of me sitting here and pouring out my heart to an empty room? Usually, I wait until I have an answer to such questions before writing, because I get to the point a lot sooner. However, I feel if anything this will get some stuff off my chest.

With this discouragement came an onslaught of depression. My family drove down to visit my husband and I for the holidays and I was ecstatic. I spent the week they were to arrive frantically tidying up the home and wrapping last minute gifts. Without my husband I think I would have burnt out. Being able to hug them and see them face to face was wonderful. Even my younger brother seemed pleased to see me. We shared an enjoyable week and then they had to return home. For about a month I had been psyched about the pending visit, and now? Now, they had to leave. I had not thought of how I was going to deal with that, until they finally arrived. It meant I had to say good-bye again. The result was me sniffling and moping the day they left, while my husband was at work. Pity and pain had settled in and I was fully embracing the state. However, I married a guy who can handle me and he told me simply to give those painful emotions to God. What? No! Then I could not feel bad. I would have to be satisfied with our living arrangements, and Florida. He told me the extent of the suffering I was undergoing was not normal. It was ok to miss them, but not in such a crippling manner. So, I sucked it up and literally cried to God. It is a good thing He has such a big shoulder. Of course, my husband was right. The weight felt lifted from my chest. It still hurt, and I miss them even still, but I can live and smile.

It is great to have a live-in best friend, but when he gets tired or just cannot answer my questions, it is even better to have a 24-7 best friend. I am learning to take advantage of this 'on call' friend. Sometimes, He does not feel like enough. It does not mean He isn't, it just means I am human. Bah, this being human is a pain! Life would be so much more bearable if I prayed more, spent quality time with God, trusted Him, and loved...all the simple ways to live a fruitful life are outlined in the Bible and it is easy to see how they are beneficial. Sin. That little, three letter word makes a big mess. I could simply press on, and write this blog as if I am the most influencial person alive. Yet, this is not to evoke a pat on my back. I just want people to understand I am human, and yet I love God wholeheartedly and I do my utmost to live for Him. Yeah, I fail and slip, sometimes knowingly and other times because I am blind. If only one person reads this on a regular basis, that is enough for me. Today, I was reading about some Christian music artists, because I want to start listening primarily to music that honors God. It was strange to finally admit to myself that I was looking up to secular celebrities. There is a song by Barlowgirl called Pedestal. They wrote it when they found out one of the celebrities they had been fond of did something that disappointed them. It was as if they had been let down. I have been watching celebrity couples divorce, and was particularly hit by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I guess I had hoped they would last, because she was so adament about her faith. I thought she would be different. When I started to read about all these Christian artists, I felt better. They are going through similar plights, changes and God is revealing Himself to them in new ways, just like me. These are people that I can learn from, and will point me to the one who gives them the wisdom they possess. I am not alone. It was such a revelation. Small things can hit you so big one day, when you just are not looking for it. Not only am I not alone, but there is hope. I am flawed, but not hopelessly. I am small and my voice is quiet, but God's is bigger. If He can use me, then I shall continue to share what He has shown me His truths.

I will press on. Sure, it would make me feel important to have a large following. I don't want to lose sight of what I am standing for though. I am by no means a theologian or great speaker with years of experience. I have 19 years behind me, and so I will look forward to this year with my husband and see where God leads us. I could be afraid to try or I could just let Him work behind the scenes and trust that this is for His glory. Praise be to God! :)

Paralyzed

It is a sick sensation, to render yourself immobile with fear. Your body grows rigid and tightens up every joint. It seems as if you drift somewhere else for a moment, because the feeling is almost numbing. You grow lightheaded as your heart pounds inside your chest. You dare not speak, or move a muscle. Fear has gripped your mind. Every sound causes a jump. This hurts, as your body is still tense. Your chest grows heavier. Every inch of you wants to run, but you just cannot seem to translate thought to motion. It is a trapping feeling.

I would like to say that I have experienced this due to some life-threatening situation. This is only because it would be sensible. It is normal for you body and mind to react in a similar manner as described above, when you are faced with danger. However, what happens when you feel this grip of fear seize you, and there is no threat of danger? This is what happened to me last night. My mind started playing tricks on me. I saw things out of place, and inquired if Ray had moved them. He did not recall doing so, and nor did I. This started my mind into the wild conclusion there must be someone else in the house. Logically, this did not make a bit of sense. The door had been locked all day, and I had never left the apartment. Ray had returned and we remained in the apartment. Still, I found myself sitting on the couch furthest from our bedroom, convinced there was someone lurking in the darkness. Ray inquired into my fears. I tried to play it off, surprised that he noticed. Then he demonstrated how edgy I was acting, and I was trapped. When these irrational fears become so real to me, I dare not speak aloud what my fear is. It is as if speaking it aloud somehow propels it into true existance. Finally, I determined that there was indeed another presence in the home. However, it was not one I should fear. It took force to get myself to move and at first I moved rather sluggishly. Ray was discouraged by all this and had gone on to the bedroom alone. He did not know what to do, and I did not know what to say. I felt so ridiculous.

We talked about how it was all in my mind. I told myself that since I had not remembered moving something, and my husband did not remember doing so either, that someone else must have. Logic was telling me that this is not a large apartment. There are very few places to hide. Besides, why would they bother hiding? I tried to reason with myself, but it did not work. In my mind, I was convinced there was someone in that room. Finally, we decided to attack the root and pray. We went through every room of this apartment and prayed a blessing on it. We cast out anything unclean or demonic. There was no one in the house! I did feel a lot better after this and was able to fall asleep soundly. The sad thing is, I still had to repeat to myself the logical statement "There is no one in the house."

Each day I face this fear to a certain degree. Some days it is mild anxiety, and others, I find I am faced with a similar paralyzed state. The mind is a complicated thing. I am learning I must guard very carefully what I let in. If I entertain fears, then my strongholds will latch on tighter. If I allow demonic presence in the home, then I will feel like I am being watched. What I need to remember is I have the victory. The battle's already won! I simply have to claim victory. Remind me of that when I am sitting here growing scared! It is much easier said than done, but I have a truly devoted husband who has promised to fight by me every step of the way. Even more inspiring, I have God on my side. He will never leave me! It is embarrassing to share this struggle with you. I am not proud of it. My hope is that if you are reading this and have experienced similar, you will find peace in knowing you are not alone. You are not the only Christian who has spiritual battles and strongholds they have yet to let go of. However, also find peace, in that the same God who is bigger than Satan and all his demons, is fighting on your side too.