In my more sane moments, I am able to acknowledge the profound love of God. However, if you have been under attack you understand that nothing but that attack seems to get through, until you choose to fight back. This morning I woke up to the alarm clock alerting my husband to get up. He did so, and I remained in bed as I had no reason to get up. I did eventually get up to spend some time with him before he left. I enjoy those moments, before I have to say good-bye for the day. After he left, I returned to bed, but browsed the internet for awhile. I checked my usual sites, and then determined I needed more sleep. As I was about to put my laptop into hibernation, weatherbug chirped at me. I did not think much of it, until I noticed it said "tornado watch." TORNADO?! I quickly checked another site to confirm the areas under the watch, and promptly got up and ready for the day. I'm not a huge fan of storms. The fear is irrational, but it is there nonetheless. I peered out our back window to see what it looked like only to find large, billowing, dark clouds. Needless to say, this did not help my frantic state. What made matters worse was the watch was in effect until the time my husband is usually arriving home. What good did that do me? I tried to reason with myself, but the "what ifs" kept swirling around in my head. Shaking, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She was just starting her class but, fortunately, she had a helper there to keep the kids on task while she calmed me down. She was sympathetic to my concerns, but told me to simply think it through. If there is a warning, where do I go for shelter? Do I have a flashlight handy if the power goes out? Mom suggested I put some water in the fridge and gather some of my important documents, just so I had them on hand. She did not tell me to panic, just know how to be prepared in the event a tornado ever did hit. We talked for a bit longer, and I went back to sitting, tensed up, with my laptop in front of me. My ears were alert to everything, and I found my head kept turning toward the window. When the power briefly went out, I was also reminded of the fact that I would no longer have any access to the outside world. The phone would not work, nor my internet connection. Somewhere in all this, I had started to write a blog...I thought I'd share it with you, so that you can see what happens to me when I am not letting God handle the situation:
"Ok, so the whole downside to living in a tropical climate is STORMS! I absolutely HATE storms. Why am I in Florida then? Well, it was the only way Ray and I could start out on relatively stable ground. Anyway, there is presently a tornado watch for my area, and for those who know me this prompts sudden panic. I suppose this is one of those moments for me, where I have to let go and trust God. In theory, it sounds so easy. God can calm the roaring ocean and silence the storm. He's omnipotent! Trusting a situation to someone like that makes perfect sense. However, it is me we are dealing with. Irrational fears? I'm an expert. Don't let that fool you into thinking that I am a complete mess. I have prayed. I am remaining aware of my surroundings, and continually talking to God. It is really dark out...and all peaceful. Ray's at work so I am, as far as humans go, alone. I'm afraid. I'm not ashamed to state this to you. I've never really written one of these blogs WHILE I am facing a spiritual attack. Why do I call this a spiritual attack? Well, God certainly is not the one who is causing me grief. ---Ok, I called my mom. Doing better. It's raining. Rain I can deal with. I can't believe this is only a taste of what is to come with spring and summer. She always helps me think things through. I cannot believe the day has only just begun. I suppose that is why I wrote the story I did. Sometimes it just feels like I close my eyes to the battle for a moment, only to wake up to another attack. It wouldn't wear me so much if I simply ... Sorry, power just went off for a moment. That also means I cannot be online, or call out. Disadvantage to Vonage... Anyway, I suppose I shall close for now. Just needed to get this off my chest."
I did not make much sense, and I kept going around in circles trying to reassure myself. Would you like to know what finally got me to a place where I was much more calm? I used a method that is well-known and very easy, but often slips my mind when I am afraid...until I realize I cannot fight it off on my own power. All I did was prayed! I opened up a blank document in Word and just typed my heart out to God. I didn't worry about all the errors I was making because I was typing so frantically (and missing keys because I was shaking). I just said all I had to say and asked for protection over not only me, but my husband and everyone else in the watch box. In the end, I came up the console that I was not in a tornado watch box, I was in God's watch box. It sounded corny, but it was true and reassuring. There may be a watch out, because the conditions are right for a tornado to form, but there is someone bigger than any weather system watching over me. The rest of the day I was still jumpy, except deep down I felt as if God was protecting me. Spiritual attacks are not pretty, and they can make you fall to pieces over the smallest things. The great news is, no matter how many pieces we crumble into, God knows how to put us back together. If we are going to forget His power and be broken, then isn't it good to know that the One who catches us can not only put us back together, but make us even stronger. We are not the same as a shattered vase, which is only weaker if you are able to glue it together. No, God builds us up each time, so that we are less likely to break, at least not in the same spot. I am still not sure how it all works, but I am glad that He cares so much for me, despite my stumbles.
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