Dear Reader,
As you scroll through this blog you may have noticed that somewhere along the line entries drop off. This is because I made the mistake of reverting inward and fighting my daily spiritual battles without accountability, friendship, family...and sans the most important support I could possibly find, God. Thus, I let His voice become a whisper in the background of my mind and heart. Unable to hear Him, there was nothing to share with you. How could I offer anything more than the dreadful ramblings of a sinner saved by grace, struggling to come up for air? Then again, I realize that they are not so "dreadful" if they offer the console to someone out there convinced they are alone...You're not.
I have learned many things in my absence from blogging, and God.
1) God never left me nor believed me to be so far gone that I would not come back.
2) Life really is a series of loopty-loops. Some take you soaring high, some pull you down, and either way it can happen so fast and be so dizzying that you find yourself whip lashed and nauseated.
3) I have often been convinced while in the lows of life, that I am a terrible Christian, an unacceptable human being. I have learned that the this is not true but the lows will come and it is how I respond that will determine my happiness and character growth. However, no matter how many times I fall back into the same pit, I am not alone. I am not the only Christian who struggles with faith and sin and God isn't going to abandon me.
Finally, I have also begun to learn about true fulfillment. My husband, Ray, and I had just finished watching something on the television and were about to get ready for bed, when the miniseries Comanche Moon caught Ray's eye. We decided there was no harm in staying up to watch it, seeing as we were sleeping in the living room anyhow (due to a leak in the roof above our bedroom). As it progressed, I found myself only moderately interested, seeing as I could swear it was the last installment of the series. However, as two hours came to a close the line "To Be Continued" appeared in simple white letters against the black backdrop. I found this to be strange but soon discovered this was only the beginning of the series, not the end. In my defence, my husband said they must have messed up because he remembers them advertising it as the last installment as well.
So, when the second of three parts came on, we settled down to watch it, hoping some clarity in the plot would be gained. It was entertaining enough but only left us with more questions. After church last night, with only minutes to spare, we walked into the door and I quickly turned on the television. For a third time, we cuddled up on the couch to watch the characters' stories to develop and waited intently for some sort of epic battle or plot twist. Things looked rather grim for one character and I hoped that there would be a satisfactory way to tie up the strings of her story...Yet, as I glanced at the clock I noted there were only ten minutes left. Those ten minutes painfully flew by without much conclusion or solution to any of the stories that had been opened up.
My husband and I watched Comanche Moon on a whim, and have not seen the Lonesome Dove series I believe it was meant to be a prequel to, but this is not meant to be a review. I was just baffled at how unsatisfying and unfulfilled the series was. I spent six hours, where I could have been sleeping or talking to my husband, traveling along a maze that just abruptly ended, without any way out.
If you're looking to feel fulfilled and satisfied by the things of this world, you're only going to be left empty. I began trying to fill the void in my life with anything but God, only to find the void cannot be filled be filled by anyone but God. It is something I knew in my head, but it finally hit my heart. That underwhelming and unfullfilling sense I found at the end of that mini series will never be how I feel when seek fulfillment in Christ. He will never leave me feeling empty if I let Him truly fill me.
That really is the root of what took me away this time. I am a housewife and I grow weary sometimes. I told my husband yesterday, after someone commented negatively on the cleanliness of my home, that I felt like I dropped out of college, not to become the women I admire who juggle kids, groceries and baking but rather to be a mediocre housewife who scrapes by on the bare minimum she must accomplish. It is not because I want to be that way, it is just how it has become...and it has been that way before. I step into the same pit of despair because I seek fulfillment outside of Christ. I believe God wants me to be a housewife for Ray. He needs me to do the seemingly small tasks around the house. When people minimize what I do, I start to do so myself. If they think I must be doing more, then what is the point of what I am doing now? Why bother? The "I can't" mentality quickly becomes "I don't." I just don't get the things done I need to...and so, when a well-meaning family member commented on how they couldn't understand how we could live "this way" (referring to the clutter and stack of dirty dishes---which in my defense were the right amount for a dishwasher load). It hurt. I already was berating myself for the clutter so it hurt...badly. I was in a funk the rest of the day. Shouldn't have been, but like I said, they hit a nerve that was already raw and exposed.
I broke down and sobbed.
Once I shed those tears, God let me know He was still there. After all the time I had spent seeking satisfaction from worldly things and fulfillment through others, He was there to remind that He never left and He believes I can succeed, because He is on my side. I just have to accept that help. I am not a terrible housewife...I'm just human and I need to learn not to rely on people for my validation. They will let you know down. They will vary in their opinions. I will never be able to please everyone or be deemed successful in every one's eyes. It only matters if I am successful in His eyes...and I know my limits and my strengths. I know when I am giving my all and when I have fallen. He knows as well. So, this is all that matters. I hope I start taking that to heart.
So, I am on the road to recovery, I believe. My husband and I attended Wednesday night service, thus entering the church for the first time in too long...and surprise, surprise, it felt good. It was fulfilling! You can put a smile on someone else's face, offer support...and in turn get a smile and support. God is in the place!
In Christ,
As you scroll through this blog you may have noticed that somewhere along the line entries drop off. This is because I made the mistake of reverting inward and fighting my daily spiritual battles without accountability, friendship, family...and sans the most important support I could possibly find, God. Thus, I let His voice become a whisper in the background of my mind and heart. Unable to hear Him, there was nothing to share with you. How could I offer anything more than the dreadful ramblings of a sinner saved by grace, struggling to come up for air? Then again, I realize that they are not so "dreadful" if they offer the console to someone out there convinced they are alone...You're not.
I have learned many things in my absence from blogging, and God.
1) God never left me nor believed me to be so far gone that I would not come back.
2) Life really is a series of loopty-loops. Some take you soaring high, some pull you down, and either way it can happen so fast and be so dizzying that you find yourself whip lashed and nauseated.
3) I have often been convinced while in the lows of life, that I am a terrible Christian, an unacceptable human being. I have learned that the this is not true but the lows will come and it is how I respond that will determine my happiness and character growth. However, no matter how many times I fall back into the same pit, I am not alone. I am not the only Christian who struggles with faith and sin and God isn't going to abandon me.
Finally, I have also begun to learn about true fulfillment. My husband, Ray, and I had just finished watching something on the television and were about to get ready for bed, when the miniseries Comanche Moon caught Ray's eye. We decided there was no harm in staying up to watch it, seeing as we were sleeping in the living room anyhow (due to a leak in the roof above our bedroom). As it progressed, I found myself only moderately interested, seeing as I could swear it was the last installment of the series. However, as two hours came to a close the line "To Be Continued" appeared in simple white letters against the black backdrop. I found this to be strange but soon discovered this was only the beginning of the series, not the end. In my defence, my husband said they must have messed up because he remembers them advertising it as the last installment as well.
So, when the second of three parts came on, we settled down to watch it, hoping some clarity in the plot would be gained. It was entertaining enough but only left us with more questions. After church last night, with only minutes to spare, we walked into the door and I quickly turned on the television. For a third time, we cuddled up on the couch to watch the characters' stories to develop and waited intently for some sort of epic battle or plot twist. Things looked rather grim for one character and I hoped that there would be a satisfactory way to tie up the strings of her story...Yet, as I glanced at the clock I noted there were only ten minutes left. Those ten minutes painfully flew by without much conclusion or solution to any of the stories that had been opened up.
My husband and I watched Comanche Moon on a whim, and have not seen the Lonesome Dove series I believe it was meant to be a prequel to, but this is not meant to be a review. I was just baffled at how unsatisfying and unfulfilled the series was. I spent six hours, where I could have been sleeping or talking to my husband, traveling along a maze that just abruptly ended, without any way out.
If you're looking to feel fulfilled and satisfied by the things of this world, you're only going to be left empty. I began trying to fill the void in my life with anything but God, only to find the void cannot be filled be filled by anyone but God. It is something I knew in my head, but it finally hit my heart. That underwhelming and unfullfilling sense I found at the end of that mini series will never be how I feel when seek fulfillment in Christ. He will never leave me feeling empty if I let Him truly fill me.
That really is the root of what took me away this time. I am a housewife and I grow weary sometimes. I told my husband yesterday, after someone commented negatively on the cleanliness of my home, that I felt like I dropped out of college, not to become the women I admire who juggle kids, groceries and baking but rather to be a mediocre housewife who scrapes by on the bare minimum she must accomplish. It is not because I want to be that way, it is just how it has become...and it has been that way before. I step into the same pit of despair because I seek fulfillment outside of Christ. I believe God wants me to be a housewife for Ray. He needs me to do the seemingly small tasks around the house. When people minimize what I do, I start to do so myself. If they think I must be doing more, then what is the point of what I am doing now? Why bother? The "I can't" mentality quickly becomes "I don't." I just don't get the things done I need to...and so, when a well-meaning family member commented on how they couldn't understand how we could live "this way" (referring to the clutter and stack of dirty dishes---which in my defense were the right amount for a dishwasher load). It hurt. I already was berating myself for the clutter so it hurt...badly. I was in a funk the rest of the day. Shouldn't have been, but like I said, they hit a nerve that was already raw and exposed.
I broke down and sobbed.
Once I shed those tears, God let me know He was still there. After all the time I had spent seeking satisfaction from worldly things and fulfillment through others, He was there to remind that He never left and He believes I can succeed, because He is on my side. I just have to accept that help. I am not a terrible housewife...I'm just human and I need to learn not to rely on people for my validation. They will let you know down. They will vary in their opinions. I will never be able to please everyone or be deemed successful in every one's eyes. It only matters if I am successful in His eyes...and I know my limits and my strengths. I know when I am giving my all and when I have fallen. He knows as well. So, this is all that matters. I hope I start taking that to heart.
So, I am on the road to recovery, I believe. My husband and I attended Wednesday night service, thus entering the church for the first time in too long...and surprise, surprise, it felt good. It was fulfilling! You can put a smile on someone else's face, offer support...and in turn get a smile and support. God is in the place!
In Christ,
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