Paralyzed

It is a sick sensation, to render yourself immobile with fear. Your body grows rigid and tightens up every joint. It seems as if you drift somewhere else for a moment, because the feeling is almost numbing. You grow lightheaded as your heart pounds inside your chest. You dare not speak, or move a muscle. Fear has gripped your mind. Every sound causes a jump. This hurts, as your body is still tense. Your chest grows heavier. Every inch of you wants to run, but you just cannot seem to translate thought to motion. It is a trapping feeling.

I would like to say that I have experienced this due to some life-threatening situation. This is only because it would be sensible. It is normal for you body and mind to react in a similar manner as described above, when you are faced with danger. However, what happens when you feel this grip of fear seize you, and there is no threat of danger? This is what happened to me last night. My mind started playing tricks on me. I saw things out of place, and inquired if Ray had moved them. He did not recall doing so, and nor did I. This started my mind into the wild conclusion there must be someone else in the house. Logically, this did not make a bit of sense. The door had been locked all day, and I had never left the apartment. Ray had returned and we remained in the apartment. Still, I found myself sitting on the couch furthest from our bedroom, convinced there was someone lurking in the darkness. Ray inquired into my fears. I tried to play it off, surprised that he noticed. Then he demonstrated how edgy I was acting, and I was trapped. When these irrational fears become so real to me, I dare not speak aloud what my fear is. It is as if speaking it aloud somehow propels it into true existance. Finally, I determined that there was indeed another presence in the home. However, it was not one I should fear. It took force to get myself to move and at first I moved rather sluggishly. Ray was discouraged by all this and had gone on to the bedroom alone. He did not know what to do, and I did not know what to say. I felt so ridiculous.

We talked about how it was all in my mind. I told myself that since I had not remembered moving something, and my husband did not remember doing so either, that someone else must have. Logic was telling me that this is not a large apartment. There are very few places to hide. Besides, why would they bother hiding? I tried to reason with myself, but it did not work. In my mind, I was convinced there was someone in that room. Finally, we decided to attack the root and pray. We went through every room of this apartment and prayed a blessing on it. We cast out anything unclean or demonic. There was no one in the house! I did feel a lot better after this and was able to fall asleep soundly. The sad thing is, I still had to repeat to myself the logical statement "There is no one in the house."

Each day I face this fear to a certain degree. Some days it is mild anxiety, and others, I find I am faced with a similar paralyzed state. The mind is a complicated thing. I am learning I must guard very carefully what I let in. If I entertain fears, then my strongholds will latch on tighter. If I allow demonic presence in the home, then I will feel like I am being watched. What I need to remember is I have the victory. The battle's already won! I simply have to claim victory. Remind me of that when I am sitting here growing scared! It is much easier said than done, but I have a truly devoted husband who has promised to fight by me every step of the way. Even more inspiring, I have God on my side. He will never leave me! It is embarrassing to share this struggle with you. I am not proud of it. My hope is that if you are reading this and have experienced similar, you will find peace in knowing you are not alone. You are not the only Christian who has spiritual battles and strongholds they have yet to let go of. However, also find peace, in that the same God who is bigger than Satan and all his demons, is fighting on your side too.