Question and Answer

It is a new year. I wonder these days exactly what that means. One more year behind me. One less year to make an impact in. Presently, I am rather discouraged. My mind is under attack, and I feel myself going under. I live my life as if I am facing unbelievable heartache, because I buy into the lies Satan's demons tell. When I first started this blog I was enthusiastic. My husband saw my desire to write, and told me to pursue it as my ministry. He told me about this site, and encouraged me to create a blog. That is just what I did. However, I have found myself beginning to drift from the idea. It is not because my desire to write has faded. To be honest, it is because I have another blog that I write simply to keep my friends updated about what is going on in my life. However, I find little feedback and not many people visit it. At one point I shared an issue that I felt passionate about and merely started an uproar amongst my friends. I've never felt so defeated emotionally. I am currently believing that if my friends will not even back me, and support me, then who will listen to me? What is the point of me sitting here and pouring out my heart to an empty room? Usually, I wait until I have an answer to such questions before writing, because I get to the point a lot sooner. However, I feel if anything this will get some stuff off my chest.

With this discouragement came an onslaught of depression. My family drove down to visit my husband and I for the holidays and I was ecstatic. I spent the week they were to arrive frantically tidying up the home and wrapping last minute gifts. Without my husband I think I would have burnt out. Being able to hug them and see them face to face was wonderful. Even my younger brother seemed pleased to see me. We shared an enjoyable week and then they had to return home. For about a month I had been psyched about the pending visit, and now? Now, they had to leave. I had not thought of how I was going to deal with that, until they finally arrived. It meant I had to say good-bye again. The result was me sniffling and moping the day they left, while my husband was at work. Pity and pain had settled in and I was fully embracing the state. However, I married a guy who can handle me and he told me simply to give those painful emotions to God. What? No! Then I could not feel bad. I would have to be satisfied with our living arrangements, and Florida. He told me the extent of the suffering I was undergoing was not normal. It was ok to miss them, but not in such a crippling manner. So, I sucked it up and literally cried to God. It is a good thing He has such a big shoulder. Of course, my husband was right. The weight felt lifted from my chest. It still hurt, and I miss them even still, but I can live and smile.

It is great to have a live-in best friend, but when he gets tired or just cannot answer my questions, it is even better to have a 24-7 best friend. I am learning to take advantage of this 'on call' friend. Sometimes, He does not feel like enough. It does not mean He isn't, it just means I am human. Bah, this being human is a pain! Life would be so much more bearable if I prayed more, spent quality time with God, trusted Him, and loved...all the simple ways to live a fruitful life are outlined in the Bible and it is easy to see how they are beneficial. Sin. That little, three letter word makes a big mess. I could simply press on, and write this blog as if I am the most influencial person alive. Yet, this is not to evoke a pat on my back. I just want people to understand I am human, and yet I love God wholeheartedly and I do my utmost to live for Him. Yeah, I fail and slip, sometimes knowingly and other times because I am blind. If only one person reads this on a regular basis, that is enough for me. Today, I was reading about some Christian music artists, because I want to start listening primarily to music that honors God. It was strange to finally admit to myself that I was looking up to secular celebrities. There is a song by Barlowgirl called Pedestal. They wrote it when they found out one of the celebrities they had been fond of did something that disappointed them. It was as if they had been let down. I have been watching celebrity couples divorce, and was particularly hit by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I guess I had hoped they would last, because she was so adament about her faith. I thought she would be different. When I started to read about all these Christian artists, I felt better. They are going through similar plights, changes and God is revealing Himself to them in new ways, just like me. These are people that I can learn from, and will point me to the one who gives them the wisdom they possess. I am not alone. It was such a revelation. Small things can hit you so big one day, when you just are not looking for it. Not only am I not alone, but there is hope. I am flawed, but not hopelessly. I am small and my voice is quiet, but God's is bigger. If He can use me, then I shall continue to share what He has shown me His truths.

I will press on. Sure, it would make me feel important to have a large following. I don't want to lose sight of what I am standing for though. I am by no means a theologian or great speaker with years of experience. I have 19 years behind me, and so I will look forward to this year with my husband and see where God leads us. I could be afraid to try or I could just let Him work behind the scenes and trust that this is for His glory. Praise be to God! :)