I Don't Want To Go To Church

To My Fellow Christian,

I write these blogs just as much for me, as for anyone else. Throughout these blogs are truths that have been revealed to me, that I often need to be reminded of. Just now, I went back and read the post about church being a chore. It was written just last fall, but here I sit, completely consumed now by the apathy of attending church each Sunday.


For the past several Sundays, in increasing succession, we have not entered God's house nor fellowshipped with His people. Only one of those Sunday mornings, offered a legitimate excuse for not attending (we were not feeling well) but even then it was not so bad that we could not have taken a few decongestants and sat through a service.


We did manage to rouse ourselves enough one morning, fairly recently, but due to our lethargic states of mind, we were unfortunately late. The moment we rushed through those church doors we were greeted by a gentleman who quickly informed us the sanctuary was full and we would have to find seating up in the balcony. In moving closer to the church, with only a five minute drive, you would think we would be on time. However, we were quite familiar with where the late people go and hurriedly ran up the stairs, my lack of exercise showing in my breathlessness at the top. An usher, who I readily recognized from the several sundays we have worshipped there, asked if we were new...then led us to seating. All of the chairs had coats or Bibles on them though, meaning, they were being saved for someone. I felt like a major inconvenience and to be honest, with my lack of desire to go that morning, picking apart any little thing that went "wrong" was quite easy. So, it should come as no surprise to you that I readily noticed no one offered us a hymnal, and thus I spent the rest of the service breaking into song as each hymn came to its chorus. I also felt terribly for being the cause of a mini-scene, since the usher had to go move the items on the reserved seats for us, and the balcony area is not-so-large. I felt as if every eye was on us. True, much of what I felt was likely just that, a feeling, but it was present nonetheless. After the service ended, we exited the building quickly and made our way home.


That, my friends, was what transpired the last time we attended. I can only imagine how hectic it will be this coming Sunday, seeing as it is Palm Sunday, followed by Easter. This is my favourite holiday though, so I shall want to go...I hope. Apathy is very hard to overcome. What really gets to me though, is we seem to get over it on Saturdays. We do sleep in, but only to ten or so, then we are up and can be ready long before eleven (which is when service starts on Sunday). Since we don't have to be anywhere, we do often take our sweet time getting ready, but when we want to be somewhere, suddenly we can get ready quite hastily. I do not want to go to church.


How terrible is that? I am one of God's children, and I do not want to go to church!


Yesterday, exhausted from a very long grocery trip, I glanced at the microwave clock, noting that if I started at that moment, I could be ready for the evening service. I mulled over in my head whether or not to tell Ray what time it was, half-afraid and half-hoping he would then say "Ok, let's get ready". I thought it was best to put the ball in his court, so I did end up alerting him to the time. To my chagrin he replied "Are we going?" thus shifting the decision back on me. Argh! You see, he is struggling just as much as I am. We started to get ready but my heart wasn't in it. He asked "How long is it going to take you to get ready?" I honestly did not know. If I really wanted to be there, it would've taken me only a matter of minutes to throw something dressy on. Actually, if I really wanted to be there, I would've just went as I was, jeans and all. It is not the best option but it would have been a better alternative to missing church. However, as I have stated, the fact of the matter is I had not motivation to go.


Purposely dragging my heels, the window of time to get ready and drive to the church dwindled down to ten minutes. Ray threw up his hands and said "Forget it!" I was simultaneously disappointed and relieved. I suppose I felt if he were the one to call it off, then I was less to blame, but I know that is not accurate. We flopped next to each other on the bed, mentally beating ourselves up for the apathy we felt, berating ourselves for not caring enough to make a genuine effort. We lay there for a few moments, before we voiced our frustrations to each other. I grabbed a book off the shelf. Stop Dating the Church by Joshua Harris, and began reading to Ray until my voice started to fail me. He then picked up where I had left off. Unfortunately, this only lasted so long since my attention is easily swayed. I thought about putting on some worship music, I considered reading the Bible, I suggested a mutual prayer, but it all seemed like a chore. Laundry? Check. Brush Teeth? Check. Read the Bible?...


It should not be that way but that is how it is presently. Spiritually, we are sick. We are sitting on the bench, watching the rest of the team work the field, raking in the points.


Lately, I have had a lot of struggles and not so much insight to offer. I stand by the points I shared about why attending church is a good thing. It will sink in once more and I pray soon. It is self-discipline, it is being obedient. Feelings are fickle but they seem to be what drives me. Right now, I feel apathetic about church and personal time with God. Pretty much, I am apathetic in my walk with Christ. A feeling, no matter how real, is only a feeling though. It may not have any basis on reality. This particular emotion is stemming from past experiences, but that is something I will work through. I am not going to try. I am going to do. I used to get annoyed with my former boyfriend who pointed out trying left room for not trying. I did not understand. I thought it meant I would give it my best shot. But really, he was right, for me it was a cop out. "I'll try" meant, "I'll try when it is convenient to do so." So, I am not going to try!


In Christ,




PS: Check out this song:

The Altar and the Door--Casting Crowns

Careless, I am reckless

I'm a wrong-way-travelin'-slowly-unraveling shell of a man

Burnt out, I'm so numb nowThat the fire's just an ember way down in the corner of my cold, cold heart

Lord, this time I'll make it right, here at the altar I lay my life

Your kingdom come but my will was done, my heart is broken as I...

Chorus:

Cry, like so many times before

But my eyes are dry before I leave the floor, oh Lord

I try but this time, Jesus, how can I be sure I will not lose my follow through

Between the altar and the door

Here at the altar, oh my world so black and white

How could I ever falter

What You've shown me to be right

I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard

Just let You be who You areLord, who You are in me

Jesus, I'm trying so hard to stop trying so hard

Just let You be who You are

Lord, who You are in me

Oh Lord, I

Chorus