Death or Life

It's amazing how I often I hear God whispering His truths, yet turn around and cry "Why aren't you guiding me?!" Still, He reveals Himself in the rainbow painted across the sky, in the refreshing rain falling to the earth and through the love of my husband. His love is written upon my life in so many ways but I sometimes find myself angry of this.

It's so much easier to crumble in a heap, cold tears washing over my cheeks and just shut Him out. Following a godly life is a challenge. I look around me at the world. I wish that I didn't have a nagging conscience piercing my heart at every turn. "Don't listen to that" "You shouldn't watch this." "Never do that." I start to harden and look at myself as a lunatic. Bitterness and resentment build up in my heart because I am so hardened. I've been challenged in my faith and I somewhere along the line closed off something I really liked about myself...my heart. I closed it off. Nothing seems to get in and what's worse, it's hard to get things out too. Love doesn't spill out like it used to. I've become so numb and unable to express my love of God. Blog ideas came to me so easily before but then I became overwhelmed at the thought of offending someone. I started to believe that I really had nothing to offer anyhow. Who wants to hear about all this God stuff? My blog would likely get a lot more attention if I plastered some seductive picture of me on my profile, and talked like everyone else.

I'm not supposed to be like everyone else though. Christians are called to be set apart. Why does that torment me so? Well, I've seen me when my life is all about God and I've seen me when I succumb to listening to music I know is wrong. I somehow convinced myself that it couldn't touch me anyhow. It wouldn't effect me if I didn't let it. That is a false rationalization. I found myself sucked into an episode of Maury the other day. He had a bunch of mothers come on the show to confront their teenage daughters about how they were living. They needed to know if their daughters were lieing to them about having sex. I watched in horror, yet completely engrossed as each girl walked out on stage waving both her middle fingers and constantly bellowing "You don't know me!" with a myriad of bleeps interjected. Each of them threw a fit as Maury announced the results of the lie detector tests, which found they were indeed sleeping around. I couldn't help but wonder if it was scripted, but still I watched these fourteen, thirteen and fifteen year old girls tell their mothers "I'm grown up! You need to back off! It's my life!" They were little girls and wanted to be out in the world, living it up. Of course, the solution on the show was to bring in a couple guys to scream at them and then send them to jail for a few days, to have women yell at them. As the show wrapped up, I felt sad. I'm sure it would take a pretty stubborn soul to not be torn apart by that experience. But what about when they went home again and the shock treatment wore off? Would that stick? Would it be enough to keep those girls from being raped, getting pregnact or contracting an STD later down the line?

Aside from feeling completely lethargic and worn after watching that show, I realized how grateful I was to have parents who loved me dearly. I was also grateful to have God in my life. A few days later I watched a video on Barlowgirl's website, where one of the girls is explaining the inspiration behind the song Psalm 73. She shared that we look at the world sometimes, and think they have it better. They're partying and living life to its fullest. That's all they'll ever have though. This life will pass and they will live in eternal torment. Ultimately, they are empty inside. What is there to look forward to when there is no hope in your heart? I have that hope! I've tasted the world and it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. It leaves my heart heavy and burdened. My head is foggy and pained. This life is transient. My treasure is not here. It's being stored somewhere where nothing can destroy it. No one can take it away from me. On this earth, I want to genuinely be able to say "My God's enough for me."(Psalm 73-Barlowgirl) I've taken a deep look at my own life. I know right now I cannot completely and honestly say this. Can you say God is enough for you? Do you have this hope in your heart? These questions may seem simple enough. A quick "yes" or "no." But I challenge you to dig deeper and truly search your heart. If your answer is yes, I pray you'll remain strong in the Lord. If your answer is no, I pray you will desire that hope. It will remain open to you, as long as you live on this earth. I pray you accept it.

Conversations With Satan

Satan: I see you're writing up another blog.

Kristin: ignores the comment and continues typing

Satan: Not talkative today, eh? Well, that's a shame. By the way, you missed a comma there.

Kristin: You're right I am not talking to you... realizes she just talked to him Aww man...

Satan: smiles I knew you'd come around. So, what's this blog about?

Kristin: stops typing I'm warning others about the mind games you play.

Satan: Mind games? What do you mean? Is that like a rubix cube or Clue?

Kristin: Don't play dumb with me. You know exactly how manipulative you are.

Satan: Well, who reads this blog of yours?

Kristin: resumes typing People.

Satan: What sort of people?

Kristin: Mostly friends and family.

Satan: Hmm, that's not a lot is it?

Kristin: If those who read can benefit from what I have to say then it does not matter how many read it, it matters that those few were touched.

Satan: You don't sound like you completely buy that.

Kristin: Of course I do...I guess.

Satan: So, not many people read it...How many people are you convincing of these so-called mind games I play?

Kristin: Stop! holds up her hands palm out Back off. This is something that God has placed on my heart to do for Him. I am not going to let you ruin it. Now you've completely distracted me from what I was saying...tries to find her place

Satan: waits for her to begin typing again You'd think that if God really wanted you to do this for Him that He'd provide a broader audience.

Kristin: glares No!...Well, maybe...Wait, no! See, this is what I mean. You get in people's heads and try to sway them from the truth. God did call me to write about the lessons He has revealed to me. Just because you don't want other people to know the truth doesn't mean I am going to stop writing. Deal with it!

Satan: So you think you could use some more people reading it...I don't see many comments on most of your entries. Your own friends and family don't really seem to take much care in reading your blogs. Sounds like God is just setting you up for failure.

Kristin: Yeah, it is annoying that they don't take the time to read them...but my views are not very popular...so maybe that has something to do with it.

Satan: Writing about all that God stuff losing you friends?

Kristin: Sort of...Feels that way. Oh, and it's not all that "God stuff" it's Truth!

Satan: Maybe you should lighten up. You do come across judgmental and narrow in some of these. I can see where you could face some adversity.

Kristin: Do I really sound narrow and judgmental? I try so hard to paint the portrait of a sinner saved by grace, but...but...it just seems to be buried underneath my biblical beliefs.

Satan: Write about something less controversial. I am sure they'll read your blogs then. That way you're still writing...right?

Kristin: Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Snaps out of her lull Actually, no it doesn't. That is exactly what you want me to do! You want me to quit trying to win souls for Christ and abandon my goals and soon you'll have me questioning the very beliefs I feel so strongly about. That's not happening!

Satan: You have it all wrong, Kristin. I just...

Kristin: Cuts him off You just what? Just are a pain? Yes, you're right. Now, stop bugging me. I have a new angle for my latest blog. Before I start that though...

Kristin: Dear Lord,

Satan: No! Don't stop talking to me. C'mon we were having a good time there for a bit. You got my point!

Kristin: Lord, thank you for blessing me with a talent for writing in order to express myself. Not only have you equipped me with the talent, but also the drive and desire. I love to write and what better way for me to get your name out there than through writing.

Satan: sarcastically Oh nuts...I lost her for now. Well, I'll try again later when no one reads this great blog she is about to write. Later!

Kristin: Satan has tried to discourage me and I must confess it worked. I have found renewed hope in each blog...only to find little response if any. It's hard, Lord. I want to know that people are being ministered to. It's about you. Make it all about you.

In Jesus' Name I Pray,
Amen

smiles and begins typing a brand new blog

Battle Cry

I am not completely devoid of any joy
But I find a negative attitude much easier to employ.
I read many a book about the real me
and realize more and more
how much I don't deserve eternity.
Not with the Holy Savior.
Not with my Heavenly Father.

Ever since my humble repentance,
I've had access to His glorious defenses.
But you try to get me down,
Telling me I look quite well with this ugly frown.
"A scowl and a sneer, that will bring them near."
Oh, but you know that is not true.
Go away, leave me be.
I do not want you in my life,
all you cause is pain and strife.
Weavers of lies under the Father of Lies,
and you prey on the weak,
who by your words abide.

I can cast you down.
I can cast you out.
Then why do I take so much time?
Why do I let you in for awhile,
pull up a seat,
find out what intrigues you'll use as deceipt?
Why do I entertain those words, and
let them linger?
You are not part of this equation.
My home is not here for your invasion.
Again, I put my foot down.
Leave!

I call on The Truth
and you're gone.
As long as I keep my Sword at my side,
and raise my shield against your fiery arrows,
I will continue safely down the narrow.
Away from me!

Don't call me naiive or innocent,
as if it is an insult,
as if it is a crime.
You use others to do your dirty work,
and in the shadows you choose to lurk.
But when the Light is shone on you,
you're exposed as weak and powerless.
Do not bend the truth of my Father's Word.
Do not denounce its worth or value.
It was written then, it rings true now.
And only at the King's feet will I bow.

Didn't you hear me?
I said you can't win.
I am no longer burdened by every sin.
Jesus shed every one of them on the cross,
so that in Heaven I shall live.I accepted this, I will be there.

On earth you will wander,
and try to bother.
But you'll soon answer to the Father.
You'll be back with your pack of wolves,
but mark my words I am getting stronger.
Not by might of my own,
but only by the might of the throne.
This is life is His,
you cannot have it.
I'm His child.
Redeemed.
Justified.
Forgiven.
This is a war
you just cannot win.

Weathering The Storm---Under God's Watch Box

In my more sane moments, I am able to acknowledge the profound love of God. However, if you have been under attack you understand that nothing but that attack seems to get through, until you choose to fight back. This morning I woke up to the alarm clock alerting my husband to get up. He did so, and I remained in bed as I had no reason to get up. I did eventually get up to spend some time with him before he left. I enjoy those moments, before I have to say good-bye for the day. After he left, I returned to bed, but browsed the internet for awhile. I checked my usual sites, and then determined I needed more sleep. As I was about to put my laptop into hibernation, weatherbug chirped at me. I did not think much of it, until I noticed it said "tornado watch." TORNADO?! I quickly checked another site to confirm the areas under the watch, and promptly got up and ready for the day. I'm not a huge fan of storms. The fear is irrational, but it is there nonetheless. I peered out our back window to see what it looked like only to find large, billowing, dark clouds. Needless to say, this did not help my frantic state. What made matters worse was the watch was in effect until the time my husband is usually arriving home. What good did that do me? I tried to reason with myself, but the "what ifs" kept swirling around in my head. Shaking, I picked up the phone and called my mom. She was just starting her class but, fortunately, she had a helper there to keep the kids on task while she calmed me down. She was sympathetic to my concerns, but told me to simply think it through. If there is a warning, where do I go for shelter? Do I have a flashlight handy if the power goes out? Mom suggested I put some water in the fridge and gather some of my important documents, just so I had them on hand. She did not tell me to panic, just know how to be prepared in the event a tornado ever did hit. We talked for a bit longer, and I went back to sitting, tensed up, with my laptop in front of me. My ears were alert to everything, and I found my head kept turning toward the window. When the power briefly went out, I was also reminded of the fact that I would no longer have any access to the outside world. The phone would not work, nor my internet connection. Somewhere in all this, I had started to write a blog...I thought I'd share it with you, so that you can see what happens to me when I am not letting God handle the situation:

"Ok, so the whole downside to living in a tropical climate is STORMS! I absolutely HATE storms. Why am I in Florida then? Well, it was the only way Ray and I could start out on relatively stable ground. Anyway, there is presently a tornado watch for my area, and for those who know me this prompts sudden panic. I suppose this is one of those moments for me, where I have to let go and trust God. In theory, it sounds so easy. God can calm the roaring ocean and silence the storm. He's omnipotent! Trusting a situation to someone like that makes perfect sense. However, it is me we are dealing with. Irrational fears? I'm an expert. Don't let that fool you into thinking that I am a complete mess. I have prayed. I am remaining aware of my surroundings, and continually talking to God. It is really dark out...and all peaceful. Ray's at work so I am, as far as humans go, alone. I'm afraid. I'm not ashamed to state this to you. I've never really written one of these blogs WHILE I am facing a spiritual attack. Why do I call this a spiritual attack? Well, God certainly is not the one who is causing me grief. ---Ok, I called my mom. Doing better. It's raining. Rain I can deal with. I can't believe this is only a taste of what is to come with spring and summer. She always helps me think things through. I cannot believe the day has only just begun. I suppose that is why I wrote the story I did. Sometimes it just feels like I close my eyes to the battle for a moment, only to wake up to another attack. It wouldn't wear me so much if I simply ... Sorry, power just went off for a moment. That also means I cannot be online, or call out. Disadvantage to Vonage... Anyway, I suppose I shall close for now. Just needed to get this off my chest."

I did not make much sense, and I kept going around in circles trying to reassure myself. Would you like to know what finally got me to a place where I was much more calm? I used a method that is well-known and very easy, but often slips my mind when I am afraid...until I realize I cannot fight it off on my own power. All I did was prayed! I opened up a blank document in Word and just typed my heart out to God. I didn't worry about all the errors I was making because I was typing so frantically (and missing keys because I was shaking). I just said all I had to say and asked for protection over not only me, but my husband and everyone else in the watch box. In the end, I came up the console that I was not in a tornado watch box, I was in God's watch box. It sounded corny, but it was true and reassuring. There may be a watch out, because the conditions are right for a tornado to form, but there is someone bigger than any weather system watching over me. The rest of the day I was still jumpy, except deep down I felt as if God was protecting me. Spiritual attacks are not pretty, and they can make you fall to pieces over the smallest things. The great news is, no matter how many pieces we crumble into, God knows how to put us back together. If we are going to forget His power and be broken, then isn't it good to know that the One who catches us can not only put us back together, but make us even stronger. We are not the same as a shattered vase, which is only weaker if you are able to glue it together. No, God builds us up each time, so that we are less likely to break, at least not in the same spot. I am still not sure how it all works, but I am glad that He cares so much for me, despite my stumbles.

The Daily Battle

Emma dusted off her blue satin dress. She slowly rose from the dirt path she had fell upon, with determination blazing in her eyes. Focused, she tightly squeezed the grip of her sword. The blade caught a beam from the moon, and shone for a moment as she held it out in front of her. A taunting voice spoke, "You are alone. You had better admit defeat." Emma planted her feet more firmly and narrowed her eyes, to indicate she was prepared to fight.

"I am not alone. This fight cannot be won on my strength alone, and surely my Lord is fighting by my side."

"Fool! You speak of a dead man. It's ludicrous enough you are fighting on behalf of someone who has already been defeated, but to not even accept this defeat...well now, what sense is that?"

"You think I am mad? But alas, the great I Am is the ruler of this land. He has conquered this heart of mine, and there is nothing you can do to penetrate it My Lord lives."

"Lies you weave, indeed. Or perhaps, you are simply victim to those who first wove them. Either way, you are in need of enlightenment. Lay down you sword, and come dine with me. We can share a great future together. You are a pillar of beauty, my dear. I can make sure that the entire land knows of this, and that you may have pick of any man you desire...whenever you desire. Just come with me."

Emma felt the warmth of temptation dancing in her mind and for a moment let her guard down. It opened the ground for her supposed enemy to grow closer. A chill touched her neck and spread down her spine. Suddenly, she snapped back to her position and shouted, "I do not need the people of this land to bow to my beauty. I am merely a reflection of the one who created me. Let it not be me who they see, but rather my Lord."

"But what of suitors? You are but a humble servant to your Lord, poor and dressed so shabby. Is my offer of such a prospect wrong? Does not your Lord wish you happiness? Ah, but perhaps it was the many suitors...if I may offer just one, would it change your mind? Marriage is a respected constitution in your group of servants. Perhaps, this will please you. But please, drop your sword, and come with me."

"A husband would indeed be a blessing, but my Lord says he shall provide one when the time is right. I am but eighteen..."

Sensing a weakness in her voice, the sly Prince of the Night reached out his hand. "Come" he repeated, "I can see you doubt the provision of your Lord. You have right too. He told Margerie the same thing, and look at the spinster. She has fourty-three years and four cats to show for that promise. I care about your well-being. I want you to enjoy life and have all that you deserve."

Despite her best efforts to negate all he said, Emma found herself buying into his offering. "What would I have to do if I took this gift from you?"

"Ah, Emma, just be more open to my suggestions. Your Lord tells you not to speak to me or my army, but you do not even know what you're not listening to. You are missing out on some of the joys of life, that your Lord does not allow in his followers. Is it merely enough that someone who is dead, said long ago that you should not do something, to keep you from not partaking? What is it that you are gaining? Is he going to punish you? You say he calls you one of his own, and that he loves you. How could someone so loving punish you? What is there to lose? If all you say you believe to be true, then in your own logic, you really have nothing to lose. Your ties with him cannot be broken, and are guaranteed once you have signed the cross at the castle gates. What is holding you back?"

Emma lowered her sword, and the slippery prince grew close enough to breathe on her neck. His words seemed to be taking hold of her, and she found her knees growing weak. He began to whisper words of wealth into her open ears and it all poured into her willing mind. She let him take her hand, and allowed him to lead her down the moonlit path. The prince was smiling a brilliant smile, as some of his friends introduced themselves to Emma. Each pledged his loyalty to her and offered her a piece of the forbidden joy she had been closed to. It was all soaked into her mind, as the sword she had laid down, grew further in the distance. Her body felt so weak though her mind was full of all these new intrigues. Emma's braid began to unravel, and the blue satin dress started to fade, as she approached the dwelling of the prince's followers. The kingdoms had been divided long ago, she recalled. The Prince of the Night had had a disagreement with King Illumination. The King was angered and sent him away, with all of the other mutineers. Therefore, the kingdom had been divided. Her heart beat rapidly, as she grew near to the party. Everyone was rejoicing and doing whatever they felt pleased them at the time. Emma, despite the trance she had been under, was appauled at the immorality she witnessed. Everyone was naked, and unashamed of this fact. Wine was being passed around to those who seemed quite inibriated already. A spread of food was laid out, that seemed well picked over. Some people were moaning over the amount of food they had eaten, but did not leave. The realization of what she had done swept over her heart and she felt remorse. She looked over her shoulder, and saw that even though she had left her companion behind, he was still behind her. The Prince, perceiving he was losing Emma's confidence, pulled her into the herd of people. Her hair fell in tangled knots about her, and her dress was promptly ripped from her body. She stood naked amongst the strangers, who were curious about the new arrival. A gray-haired man, with several missing teeth hollared at Emma, and let out a whistle. She was cold, shivering and ashamed as her eyes met those of her Lord. He had followed her, stuck by her, even as she turned her back on him completely and left him in the dust. She immediately fell to the ground weaping. The Prince scoffed at this, and prompted the rest to as well. Out of the darkness, she saw an outstretched hand offer her a pure white garment. Eagerly she put it on. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted her sword. She lunged for it, just as one of the Prince's companions pulled a blade from his sheith. Emma lashed out with the sword, throwing all her passionate anger into each stroke. Triumphantly, she watched the first opposer run off cowering in pain. However, to replace him came two more. It took longer to send them running, but she managed to fend them off. Yet, four more came. She took a blade across the face, as one of the mutineers cackled. Blood trickled from the wound, but she pressed on, only to suffer another blow to her leg. "Where's your Lord now?!" Another mutineer sneered. Emma's heart sank as she realized she had again abandoned her Lord. She called on him to help her. One of the mutineers tripped her and sent her plummeting to the ground, another stood above her, ready to plunge the sword into her chest. A shimmering blade made an intervention, just inches from her body. A row of soldiers from King Illumination's army stood in between her and the dark army of the Prince. The mutineers backed off, and the Prince made some comment about how he just did not feel like fighting anymore and went back to his party, but you could see the fear in his eyes. Emma took the hand of her Lord to help her off the ground. He touched her cheek, the blood ceased its flow from the cut and she was healed. She stood before the Lord she had devoted her life to, and yet seemed to daily stray from. She asked his forgiveness for disobeying his commands, and for thinking she could win the battle alone. Emma knew that she had only made it through one day. As the sun began to peek over the horizon, she knew she had a new day to face. Emma hoped she would take hold of the victory she had in him, before she fell so far the next time. He assured her that the battles would come, but that he would always be there to fight by her side, if only she'd ask it of him. Weary, she found herself being carried by her Lord and Savior, on her way back home.

Setting The Mood

I am sure many of us have been scanning the radio stations and come across a song that caught your ear. Maybe it was catchy; It had an amazing guitar rift, a shoe-tapping beat or unbelievable vocals. People often feel that they can listen to music without the words effecting them. I have numbed myself to the context of the words before, or justified them, but I have not been able to shut them out. Somehow, I find myself soaking up the tone and message and having it consume my mood. In the past, when I was depressed I would throw on Jewel or something that I found melancholy. Angry? I'd crank up Garbage or some other screaming, rock group. I have since come to the shocking conclusion that this only drags me down. Sounds simple, but I know I am not the only one who finds it enjoyable to wallow in pity. If I am upset, I don't want to ruin that by smiling and moving on, or giving in and admitting I was wrong. However, this is not a lecture on whether or not to listen to secular music. Think back to the song on the radio you stopped for. Was it catchy, or did a word or two enter your ears and hit close to your heart? More often it will be the music or vocals that attracts me to a song, but I also find there are some songs that lyrically could have been penned by me. Not in the sense of talent, but in that the words are as if they sat down and interviewed me. These are the songs I now choose to listen to more often. I find a song is a lot more meaningful, and lasting if I can wrap my heart around it. My hope is that at least one of these songs you will be able to read and exclaim, "That is me!"

1) Let Go-Barlowgirl
There are many moments in my life where I have curled up and just wanted to give up. I did not understand what God was doing in my life and I was afraid to move on. He was calling me to do something beyond my own strength and it was scary. This song is about those feelings. Barlowgirls inspiration behind the song says it best:
“ 'Is God gonna come through for me this time? Is he going to get me through this one? What he told me to do is really scary! Should I really wear modest clothes/stop dating/quit my job * ??? (insert what God is telling you to do here)'
This, guys, is the point of victory. This is where the rubber meets the road. Everything up to this point is just talk. Faith in God means action. Just saying you have faith isn’t enough.
That’s what this song is. The chorus is the terrifying, scary, adrenaline rush of trusting God.
Oh, and it’s worth it. ;-)"---Barlowgirl
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/barlowgirl/let-go.html

2) Voice of Truth-Casting Crowns
From the opening words, until the end, I can completely relate to this song. I wish my faith were stronger. I have wanted to step out of my comfort zone and trust God was not going to let me fall, only to cave to Satan's lies and the discouraging words people throw at me. I love the chorus though, because it is what I have to remind myself constantly, "The voice of truth tells me a different story."
"But the voice of truth tells me a different story/The voice of truth says, 'Do not be afraid!'/The voice of truth says, 'This is for My glory'/Out of all the voices calling out to me/I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."---Casting Crowns
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/casting-crowns/voice-of-truth.html

3) More Than You'll Ever Know-Watermark
I have been blessed with more than one person I could sing this to, but I can apply it to my husband right now. He has been a true friend through many trials. When he comes home from work and tells me he has prayed for me, it shows me his love. He fights my fights with me, and I am very grateful to have a best friend who brings me closer to God.
" 'Cause you've been more than a friend to me /You fight off my enemies /'Cause you've spoken the Truth over my life/ And you'll never know what it means to me /Just to know you've been on your knees for me/ Oh, you have blessed my life /More than you'll ever know."---Watermark
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/watermark/more-than-youll-ever-know.html

4) I Need You to Love Me-Barlowgirl
I can relate with several of these girls' songs but this one is really close to my heart. I've seen how many times I seem to sin and stumble in the course of a week. My flesh is weak, and I get so discouraged. I just look to God and wonder why He still loves me. Why does he still want to be near me? I wonder the same of my husband. I cause him pain with my words, and actions, and yet he stands by me. God has revealed many of His truths through my husband. When I start to believe that I am worthless in God's work and hopeless, I sing this song in my head or aloud.
"Why, why are You still here with me /Didn't You see what I've done? /In my shame I want to run and hide myself /But it's here I see the truth /I don't deserve You
[Chorus:]But I need You to love me, and I /I won't keep my heart from You this time/ And I'll stop this pretending/ that I can Somehow deserve what I already have."---Barlowgirl
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/barlowgirl/love-me.html

5) Alabaster Box-CeCe Winans
I am a sinner, and I am not deserving of Jesus' cleansing blood, but that is the point. I am not deserving, I did not have to earn it, He died for me anyway. I am a sinner and I have come humbly before God, and only He knows what happened in my heart the day He entered in. Only He has seen the change in me as I have fallen at His feet, in times of sorrow and asked for forgiveness.
"You weren't there-/the night He found me/You did not feel what I felt /When He wrapped His loving arms around me/And you don't know the cost/Of the oil in my alabaster box."---CeCe Winans
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/cece-winans/alabaster-box.html

6) Surrender-Joy Williams
Many times I take my life back from God, and think I know better. My plans are better and the things I have in this world are more pleasing to me. However, I have sung along to this song of surrender many times, with tears in my heart. It is such a refreshing feeling to sing this to Him and pour myself into the words. Surrender.
"Everything I held so precious/Everything I kept away/I give it up, give it up/All for You, /I give it all for You/Everything I held as treasure/I give it all for You, /I give it all for You."---Joy Williams
http://www.christianlyricsonline.com/artists/joy-williams/surrender.html

7) Thinking Over-Dana Glover
I am not quite sure what she meant the song to mean, but I have applied what I interpret it to mean, in my own life. When things were falling apart between me and my first boyfriend, I started to question God. I put my foot down and said, "No, we're going to be together forever!" When I played this song and it got to the part where she sings, "Father, which way should I go?/I cannot clearly see/ Oh, I love him so/ But only you know if he's the one for me." It was so hard to sing along with the last line, but it was true. Only God knew if it would be for forever and I had to accept this. Had I accepted it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. Following God and trusting Him, is often a true leap of faith.
"Am I ready for forever?/ Oh God show me a sign/ Cause if we're to be together/ Then it's got to be divine."---Dana Glover

There are many other songs that have found a home in my collection. Maybe one of these has been added to your playlist. I would be glad to hear about songs that have really stood out in your life as well. So, feel welcome to share your revelations as well and may God bless you.

Question and Answer

It is a new year. I wonder these days exactly what that means. One more year behind me. One less year to make an impact in. Presently, I am rather discouraged. My mind is under attack, and I feel myself going under. I live my life as if I am facing unbelievable heartache, because I buy into the lies Satan's demons tell. When I first started this blog I was enthusiastic. My husband saw my desire to write, and told me to pursue it as my ministry. He told me about this site, and encouraged me to create a blog. That is just what I did. However, I have found myself beginning to drift from the idea. It is not because my desire to write has faded. To be honest, it is because I have another blog that I write simply to keep my friends updated about what is going on in my life. However, I find little feedback and not many people visit it. At one point I shared an issue that I felt passionate about and merely started an uproar amongst my friends. I've never felt so defeated emotionally. I am currently believing that if my friends will not even back me, and support me, then who will listen to me? What is the point of me sitting here and pouring out my heart to an empty room? Usually, I wait until I have an answer to such questions before writing, because I get to the point a lot sooner. However, I feel if anything this will get some stuff off my chest.

With this discouragement came an onslaught of depression. My family drove down to visit my husband and I for the holidays and I was ecstatic. I spent the week they were to arrive frantically tidying up the home and wrapping last minute gifts. Without my husband I think I would have burnt out. Being able to hug them and see them face to face was wonderful. Even my younger brother seemed pleased to see me. We shared an enjoyable week and then they had to return home. For about a month I had been psyched about the pending visit, and now? Now, they had to leave. I had not thought of how I was going to deal with that, until they finally arrived. It meant I had to say good-bye again. The result was me sniffling and moping the day they left, while my husband was at work. Pity and pain had settled in and I was fully embracing the state. However, I married a guy who can handle me and he told me simply to give those painful emotions to God. What? No! Then I could not feel bad. I would have to be satisfied with our living arrangements, and Florida. He told me the extent of the suffering I was undergoing was not normal. It was ok to miss them, but not in such a crippling manner. So, I sucked it up and literally cried to God. It is a good thing He has such a big shoulder. Of course, my husband was right. The weight felt lifted from my chest. It still hurt, and I miss them even still, but I can live and smile.

It is great to have a live-in best friend, but when he gets tired or just cannot answer my questions, it is even better to have a 24-7 best friend. I am learning to take advantage of this 'on call' friend. Sometimes, He does not feel like enough. It does not mean He isn't, it just means I am human. Bah, this being human is a pain! Life would be so much more bearable if I prayed more, spent quality time with God, trusted Him, and loved...all the simple ways to live a fruitful life are outlined in the Bible and it is easy to see how they are beneficial. Sin. That little, three letter word makes a big mess. I could simply press on, and write this blog as if I am the most influencial person alive. Yet, this is not to evoke a pat on my back. I just want people to understand I am human, and yet I love God wholeheartedly and I do my utmost to live for Him. Yeah, I fail and slip, sometimes knowingly and other times because I am blind. If only one person reads this on a regular basis, that is enough for me. Today, I was reading about some Christian music artists, because I want to start listening primarily to music that honors God. It was strange to finally admit to myself that I was looking up to secular celebrities. There is a song by Barlowgirl called Pedestal. They wrote it when they found out one of the celebrities they had been fond of did something that disappointed them. It was as if they had been let down. I have been watching celebrity couples divorce, and was particularly hit by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey. I guess I had hoped they would last, because she was so adament about her faith. I thought she would be different. When I started to read about all these Christian artists, I felt better. They are going through similar plights, changes and God is revealing Himself to them in new ways, just like me. These are people that I can learn from, and will point me to the one who gives them the wisdom they possess. I am not alone. It was such a revelation. Small things can hit you so big one day, when you just are not looking for it. Not only am I not alone, but there is hope. I am flawed, but not hopelessly. I am small and my voice is quiet, but God's is bigger. If He can use me, then I shall continue to share what He has shown me His truths.

I will press on. Sure, it would make me feel important to have a large following. I don't want to lose sight of what I am standing for though. I am by no means a theologian or great speaker with years of experience. I have 19 years behind me, and so I will look forward to this year with my husband and see where God leads us. I could be afraid to try or I could just let Him work behind the scenes and trust that this is for His glory. Praise be to God! :)