It is a sick sensation, to render yourself immobile with fear. Your body grows rigid and tightens up every joint. It seems as if you drift somewhere else for a moment, because the feeling is almost numbing. You grow lightheaded as your heart pounds inside your chest. You dare not speak, or move a muscle. Fear has gripped your mind. Every sound causes a jump. This hurts, as your body is still tense. Your chest grows heavier. Every inch of you wants to run, but you just cannot seem to translate thought to motion. It is a trapping feeling.
I would like to say that I have experienced this due to some life-threatening situation. This is only because it would be sensible. It is normal for you body and mind to react in a similar manner as described above, when you are faced with danger. However, what happens when you feel this grip of fear seize you, and there is no threat of danger? This is what happened to me last night. My mind started playing tricks on me. I saw things out of place, and inquired if Ray had moved them. He did not recall doing so, and nor did I. This started my mind into the wild conclusion there must be someone else in the house. Logically, this did not make a bit of sense. The door had been locked all day, and I had never left the apartment. Ray had returned and we remained in the apartment. Still, I found myself sitting on the couch furthest from our bedroom, convinced there was someone lurking in the darkness. Ray inquired into my fears. I tried to play it off, surprised that he noticed. Then he demonstrated how edgy I was acting, and I was trapped. When these irrational fears become so real to me, I dare not speak aloud what my fear is. It is as if speaking it aloud somehow propels it into true existance. Finally, I determined that there was indeed another presence in the home. However, it was not one I should fear. It took force to get myself to move and at first I moved rather sluggishly. Ray was discouraged by all this and had gone on to the bedroom alone. He did not know what to do, and I did not know what to say. I felt so ridiculous.
We talked about how it was all in my mind. I told myself that since I had not remembered moving something, and my husband did not remember doing so either, that someone else must have. Logic was telling me that this is not a large apartment. There are very few places to hide. Besides, why would they bother hiding? I tried to reason with myself, but it did not work. In my mind, I was convinced there was someone in that room. Finally, we decided to attack the root and pray. We went through every room of this apartment and prayed a blessing on it. We cast out anything unclean or demonic. There was no one in the house! I did feel a lot better after this and was able to fall asleep soundly. The sad thing is, I still had to repeat to myself the logical statement "There is no one in the house."
Each day I face this fear to a certain degree. Some days it is mild anxiety, and others, I find I am faced with a similar paralyzed state. The mind is a complicated thing. I am learning I must guard very carefully what I let in. If I entertain fears, then my strongholds will latch on tighter. If I allow demonic presence in the home, then I will feel like I am being watched. What I need to remember is I have the victory. The battle's already won! I simply have to claim victory. Remind me of that when I am sitting here growing scared! It is much easier said than done, but I have a truly devoted husband who has promised to fight by me every step of the way. Even more inspiring, I have God on my side. He will never leave me! It is embarrassing to share this struggle with you. I am not proud of it. My hope is that if you are reading this and have experienced similar, you will find peace in knowing you are not alone. You are not the only Christian who has spiritual battles and strongholds they have yet to let go of. However, also find peace, in that the same God who is bigger than Satan and all his demons, is fighting on your side too.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Different State of Mind
The sky is hidden behind a layer of gray clouds. Wind is rustling the branches while rainshowers have left behind moistened earth. It looks as if at any moment the clouds could open up again. Yesterday, was much of the same. Only for a small time did the clouds make way for blue sky and sunshine. I am currently in the living room, sitting on our loveseat with the broken leg. Two lamps are on, but it feels so dark in here. I can only see out the window through a break in between the blinds and what I can see heightens my sadness. Rainy, gray days breed my already negative nature. Many people find that weather effects how they perceive things. When Spring rolls around, the warm sun fills me with joy. It is somehow easier to be happy when the sun is shining.
My husband, Ray, and I have only just been married three months. We are facing financial struggles, and expensive paperwork (due to my Canadian citizenship) is not helping. I am finding being the good housewife harder than I had thought. I have found new respect for my mother. Things just do not stay clean! Dishes pile up in the matter of a day, clutter never ceases to find its way to our tabletops or floors, and if we can find the floor, it is in need of some vaccuuming. A sinus headache is producing nausea, as it often does for me and I just feel exhausted. I sound pretty negative right? If I were to end this blog right there, you would either think I was downright negative or perhaps, you would feel sorry for me. I do not mean to leave you hanging though.
Yes, the above stated stressors are true. However, to dwell on it like I just did is not healthy for me or those around me. I was in our bathroom this morning, getting ready for the day. I was being pretty hard on myself over something trivial. When I looked over at the bathtub, I noticed it looked a lot brighter in that corner. I concluded that because my husband had pulled the shower curtain to the opposite side than usual, the bathroom light (being on the side now revealed) was able to brighten it up. The whole bathroom seemed brighter...mind you, we have a small bathroom. It may sound silly, but it made me think about how looking at things differently can change your whole outlook. All it took to make it seem brighter in there, was moving the shower curtain to the other side. I did not know quite where I would apply this idea until I started dwelling on the weather.
Rain replenishes the earth and drought is not a welcome state. I thought changing my attitude about the weather would help me in other areas. Yet, in thinking it over, the more I change my way of looking at all things, the brighter I feel inside. It is not as easy as it sounds to look for joy in everything. Realizing that I, unlike a lot of people in this world, have a loveseat of any sort to sit on, is a start. Trust me when I tell you, I am really good at looking for the bad in everything. It is such a skill for me, that I will even mull over all the bad things that could exist in a situation, or create scenarios that would be terrible. People do not want to be around someone who is a downer! So, let me look at this day from a positive perspective.
Though the sun is not shining, it is days like today that make me appreciate blue skies even more. Rain exists for good reasons as well. My husband and I took a spontaneous bike ride through the pouring rain to the dollar store one day. We arrived, soaked thoroughly, but laughing. Right now, I am sitting on a really comfy loveseat, typing away on my laptop. We have two running computers in our home. It is nice, because Ray is a talented web designer and enjoys creating things on the computer like animations and logos. He is hoping to get into the web design business, but he is waiting on God's leading. In the meantime, he does have a job and though we are living from paycheck to paycheck, our needs are met. We have wondered how we were going to pay for the next two week's groceries, only to have someone from the church pay for it all. It is frustrating to not have our car on the road and yet we manage to get where we need to be. Days like this I find I forget all this. I forget that it has only been three months; it could be worse. We have a roof over our heads, and even if for some reason that was taken from us, we know family who would take us in. The church ladies send us home with left-overs from the luncheons, and for this we are grateful. If I look to my left, I see a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. It is nothing fancy, but it is ours. There are so many things in this home I take for granted. I see the house half-empty, not half-full.
I feel awkward listing what is positive, because I feel cheesy doing so. It is not my nature to be upbeat. Yet, I am training myself to be so. Sure, I will face utterly negative moments like today, but it will get better as I grow. You do not have to remain where you are. Depression feeds off negativity. The doctor gave me pills for depression but my personal conviction was, "I don't need these." I tried them because most doctors do not understand a spiritual battle. However, I was not better off with the pills because my attitude did not change. I chose to dwell on what I perceived to be wrong with me, my life and those around me. Thus, I was still depressed. I still battle with the strongholds of negativity and depression. When I make an effort to take a step back and look at something from a different angle I save myself a lot of pain, and others. A lot of fights start because I just choose to sit in my pity pit and get angry and bitter. I see everything Ray says as an attack and get defensive. It is so hard to stop and admit to myself that I am wrong, and he meant nothing hurtful by his comment. Yet, swallowing my pride is worth it. Admitting I am in a negative frame of mind, and will need some coaxing out, helps my husband know where I am at too.
It is a hard challenge to take up, but I am going to make it anyway. I challenge you in the next week to daily make a list of what is dragging you down. Maybe, you just ripped a hole in your favourite shirt. Write it down, but don't stop there. Make one column for the negatives and one for positives. For every negative thing you write down, think of at least one positive thing and write it down too. Some of them may sound obvious, while others may take some time. For the shirt example, an obvious positive could be "I still have plenty of other clothes." Digging deeper you may also come to find, "The hole is really small, and easy to sew up," or "I found a shirt just like it on sale today." Do your best. It will come faster to some than others, but if I can do it, there is hope for you. See how many people notice the change. It will help your social life. Above all, it will bring you closer to God and understanding His ways.
My husband, Ray, and I have only just been married three months. We are facing financial struggles, and expensive paperwork (due to my Canadian citizenship) is not helping. I am finding being the good housewife harder than I had thought. I have found new respect for my mother. Things just do not stay clean! Dishes pile up in the matter of a day, clutter never ceases to find its way to our tabletops or floors, and if we can find the floor, it is in need of some vaccuuming. A sinus headache is producing nausea, as it often does for me and I just feel exhausted. I sound pretty negative right? If I were to end this blog right there, you would either think I was downright negative or perhaps, you would feel sorry for me. I do not mean to leave you hanging though.
Yes, the above stated stressors are true. However, to dwell on it like I just did is not healthy for me or those around me. I was in our bathroom this morning, getting ready for the day. I was being pretty hard on myself over something trivial. When I looked over at the bathtub, I noticed it looked a lot brighter in that corner. I concluded that because my husband had pulled the shower curtain to the opposite side than usual, the bathroom light (being on the side now revealed) was able to brighten it up. The whole bathroom seemed brighter...mind you, we have a small bathroom. It may sound silly, but it made me think about how looking at things differently can change your whole outlook. All it took to make it seem brighter in there, was moving the shower curtain to the other side. I did not know quite where I would apply this idea until I started dwelling on the weather.
Rain replenishes the earth and drought is not a welcome state. I thought changing my attitude about the weather would help me in other areas. Yet, in thinking it over, the more I change my way of looking at all things, the brighter I feel inside. It is not as easy as it sounds to look for joy in everything. Realizing that I, unlike a lot of people in this world, have a loveseat of any sort to sit on, is a start. Trust me when I tell you, I am really good at looking for the bad in everything. It is such a skill for me, that I will even mull over all the bad things that could exist in a situation, or create scenarios that would be terrible. People do not want to be around someone who is a downer! So, let me look at this day from a positive perspective.
Though the sun is not shining, it is days like today that make me appreciate blue skies even more. Rain exists for good reasons as well. My husband and I took a spontaneous bike ride through the pouring rain to the dollar store one day. We arrived, soaked thoroughly, but laughing. Right now, I am sitting on a really comfy loveseat, typing away on my laptop. We have two running computers in our home. It is nice, because Ray is a talented web designer and enjoys creating things on the computer like animations and logos. He is hoping to get into the web design business, but he is waiting on God's leading. In the meantime, he does have a job and though we are living from paycheck to paycheck, our needs are met. We have wondered how we were going to pay for the next two week's groceries, only to have someone from the church pay for it all. It is frustrating to not have our car on the road and yet we manage to get where we need to be. Days like this I find I forget all this. I forget that it has only been three months; it could be worse. We have a roof over our heads, and even if for some reason that was taken from us, we know family who would take us in. The church ladies send us home with left-overs from the luncheons, and for this we are grateful. If I look to my left, I see a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. It is nothing fancy, but it is ours. There are so many things in this home I take for granted. I see the house half-empty, not half-full.
I feel awkward listing what is positive, because I feel cheesy doing so. It is not my nature to be upbeat. Yet, I am training myself to be so. Sure, I will face utterly negative moments like today, but it will get better as I grow. You do not have to remain where you are. Depression feeds off negativity. The doctor gave me pills for depression but my personal conviction was, "I don't need these." I tried them because most doctors do not understand a spiritual battle. However, I was not better off with the pills because my attitude did not change. I chose to dwell on what I perceived to be wrong with me, my life and those around me. Thus, I was still depressed. I still battle with the strongholds of negativity and depression. When I make an effort to take a step back and look at something from a different angle I save myself a lot of pain, and others. A lot of fights start because I just choose to sit in my pity pit and get angry and bitter. I see everything Ray says as an attack and get defensive. It is so hard to stop and admit to myself that I am wrong, and he meant nothing hurtful by his comment. Yet, swallowing my pride is worth it. Admitting I am in a negative frame of mind, and will need some coaxing out, helps my husband know where I am at too.
It is a hard challenge to take up, but I am going to make it anyway. I challenge you in the next week to daily make a list of what is dragging you down. Maybe, you just ripped a hole in your favourite shirt. Write it down, but don't stop there. Make one column for the negatives and one for positives. For every negative thing you write down, think of at least one positive thing and write it down too. Some of them may sound obvious, while others may take some time. For the shirt example, an obvious positive could be "I still have plenty of other clothes." Digging deeper you may also come to find, "The hole is really small, and easy to sew up," or "I found a shirt just like it on sale today." Do your best. It will come faster to some than others, but if I can do it, there is hope for you. See how many people notice the change. It will help your social life. Above all, it will bring you closer to God and understanding His ways.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Let Me Introduce Myself
I've been saved since the time I was four years old. Yes, I am a Christian. For some that has prompted a quick click of the "back" button. You do not want to hear about the life of a Christian, and that is your decision to make. However, to those who are still with me, I would like to state my purpose for creating this blog.
I have been saved for quite some time, but only at the age of 14 did I really begin to develop a relationship with God. Many temptations came my way and still do. Hard times do befall Christians as well. It is not my intent to paint Christians as well off and perfect. This is far from the truth. We are not supernatural creatures; we are simply human. Yes, we see miracles, gifts and other joys and this is because God is a loving God. It is easy to become stuck on one view. Either Christians are superior and are considerably blessed, or they are miserable because God inflicts hardships on them. Well, God does not inflict those pains on us. He does allow pains though. I do not fully understand how He works, nor will I claim to have all the answers.
Here are my words before you, honest and real. I am not perfect. Each day I strive to meet God's plan for me, and live life to the fullest. Yet, somewhere in that reach I lose my footing and fall flat on my face. After I get up, rub my banged up nose, and brush myself off, there is but one more thing to do...Keep striving. It is hard. Being a Christian is not always easy. Do I dislike being a Christian? No. If I must face trials, I would much rather do so under the care of my Father. If I must fall, it is better to know who is always there to catch me. And catch me, He does.
I titled this blog Letters from the War in My Mind because daily I am in battle. Many habits I have developed over time are a jackpot for Satan's demons. My fears become heightened because I fall into the whisperings of demons. "What if your husband doesn't make it home?" they reason, "What if your mom and dad got in a car accident today, and died?" I know all three people mentioned would go to Heaven, but being here without them would break my heart. Thus, the fear of losing them is often on my mind. Each day I have to tell the fallen angels to "back off." It scared me a lot at first. Hearing about the dark side of the coin caused me to shudder. Now, I do still fall into the trap of fear but at least I know I have the ability to fight back. I don't have to give in. I can live without those fears crippling my mind and heart.
Thus, it is my desire to share with you the battles I face, to encourage those who feel they are alone in the battle. Up until a month ago I believed that I was the most messed up Christian on earth. How could I seriously stand up for God? Look at the constant issues I have! Christians don't face anxiety attacks, depression or fear. Well meaning friends of mine, had managed to shatter my hopes of having a ministry, rather than build me up to one. When I slowly started to realize that even my friends who seemed strongest in his/her walk had struggles like mine, it helped immensely. God opens my eyes to different lessons each day. Some are applied to what I am going through, while others provide insight into a struggle someone I know is facing. I do hope some of you are able to find comfort in knowing you are not alone. If you are not a Christian, perhaps knowing that you do not have to be perfect will be an encouragement. All God asks of us is that we do our best to follow His Word, and grow daily so this becomes easier to do. You will know when you feel convicted. Trust me!
I have been saved for quite some time, but only at the age of 14 did I really begin to develop a relationship with God. Many temptations came my way and still do. Hard times do befall Christians as well. It is not my intent to paint Christians as well off and perfect. This is far from the truth. We are not supernatural creatures; we are simply human. Yes, we see miracles, gifts and other joys and this is because God is a loving God. It is easy to become stuck on one view. Either Christians are superior and are considerably blessed, or they are miserable because God inflicts hardships on them. Well, God does not inflict those pains on us. He does allow pains though. I do not fully understand how He works, nor will I claim to have all the answers.
Here are my words before you, honest and real. I am not perfect. Each day I strive to meet God's plan for me, and live life to the fullest. Yet, somewhere in that reach I lose my footing and fall flat on my face. After I get up, rub my banged up nose, and brush myself off, there is but one more thing to do...Keep striving. It is hard. Being a Christian is not always easy. Do I dislike being a Christian? No. If I must face trials, I would much rather do so under the care of my Father. If I must fall, it is better to know who is always there to catch me. And catch me, He does.
I titled this blog Letters from the War in My Mind because daily I am in battle. Many habits I have developed over time are a jackpot for Satan's demons. My fears become heightened because I fall into the whisperings of demons. "What if your husband doesn't make it home?" they reason, "What if your mom and dad got in a car accident today, and died?" I know all three people mentioned would go to Heaven, but being here without them would break my heart. Thus, the fear of losing them is often on my mind. Each day I have to tell the fallen angels to "back off." It scared me a lot at first. Hearing about the dark side of the coin caused me to shudder. Now, I do still fall into the trap of fear but at least I know I have the ability to fight back. I don't have to give in. I can live without those fears crippling my mind and heart.
Thus, it is my desire to share with you the battles I face, to encourage those who feel they are alone in the battle. Up until a month ago I believed that I was the most messed up Christian on earth. How could I seriously stand up for God? Look at the constant issues I have! Christians don't face anxiety attacks, depression or fear. Well meaning friends of mine, had managed to shatter my hopes of having a ministry, rather than build me up to one. When I slowly started to realize that even my friends who seemed strongest in his/her walk had struggles like mine, it helped immensely. God opens my eyes to different lessons each day. Some are applied to what I am going through, while others provide insight into a struggle someone I know is facing. I do hope some of you are able to find comfort in knowing you are not alone. If you are not a Christian, perhaps knowing that you do not have to be perfect will be an encouragement. All God asks of us is that we do our best to follow His Word, and grow daily so this becomes easier to do. You will know when you feel convicted. Trust me!
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