It has literally been years since I updated this blog but that by no means that I have not been dealing with spiritual warfare during this hiatus. No, the battle is quite alive in my life. Some days the roar of the enemy army is deafening. Other days, they have taken up camp just on the horizon and I can hear the murmur of their battle preparations. The clink of metalworkers creating new weapons. Merry laughter from the soldiers taking a breather in their quest. There are also the few and far between days where the enemy has retreated and I cannot even hear a whisper from the enemy's barbarians.
Regardless of where the enemy has taken up residence, be it at his base or the camp on the horizon the exact time or point of attack is never quite known. I can sense their eyes on the back of my head but it could be days or weeks before the enemy advances. I can feel their breath on the back of my neck, the attack imminent, yet the sword can hover above me before the painful blow is delivered.
Sometimes, the weapon grazes my arms, leaving a flesh wound. It can pierce deeply though, causing a sting that penetrates not only my flesh but my heart. These are the crippling, destructive wounds that take days, weeks and months to heal. Some leave me clinging to life. Broken and blinking back tears. Scarred, I can finally stand again without wincing but the mark of the enemy is left on my skin.
Spiritual warfare. It is delivered through different vessels. Financial insecurities in a marriage can lead to a broken and quarrelsome home. Guilt from a past affair can eat up a person and destroy hope for reconciliation. Depression. Worry. Discouragement. Fear. They are all weapons of the enemy aka. Satan.
I saw the opposing army pitching tents along the horizon and had done my best to put up defenses and have the soldiers in place. He has tried to spook me a number of times this past month but I warded him off time and again through prayer and seeking the power and Word of God. Still, Satan knows just where to poke. He knows how to draw the most blood.
Today, his attack blindsided me. Despite knowing that he had his demons' binoculars trained on me, I was blithely going about my afternoon when swoosh a spear went flying past my face. I narrowly dodged its pointed arrow. The battle had begun though.It was impossible to avoid the barrage of spears raining down from the sky. As the battle waged in my mind I was pinned to the ground, bleeding. In reality, I was hysterical. So consumed by the weapon of fear that I could not think clearly.
Fear, I would hazard to guess, is the most worn out weapon in my opponents' army. They may use a different one against you but it does not take much to realize it is definitely one way Satan constantly gets me down. Just look at my previous posts!
Fear is often irrational. It takes a concern or caution and blows it out of proportion. Sometimes all it takes is a trick of the mind to create an immobilizing fear. Seeing something out of the corner of my eye has sent me three feet in the air, heart racing before I take a closer look and laugh that I just jumped at a computer chord, a bag or even my own shadow. Knowing this about myself, I have made efforts in recent history to actually look at or confront what is causing me to be frightened. A strange shadow in the night can just be a grouping of items that cast a weird shape against the wall. That bump in the night likely has a perfectly logical explanation.
But I quickly realized there are some things I refuse to look closer at. If I think it is a lizard, I am not bound to poke my head in for an up close and personal confirmation. And so, in my washer I thought I saw what was a lizard as I scooped out my wet clothes. Instead of taking another glance I called my husband and had him take a look. Sure enough, it was indeed a lizard that had found his way into my wash. He did not make it.
This afternoon, after a nice lunch with my husband, I decided to be optimistic and thought maybe I could get to work around the house and maybe then I would feel encouraged, revitalized and that would rub off on my family. I prepared my baby girl to join me in her high chair so I could work in the kitchen but caught a glimpse of something long, skinny and black in the doorway to the laundry room. This is another instance where I was not about to stick around to confirm what I thought I saw. Grabbing my daughter, then the phone, I booked it out of the kitchen and called my husband who had not gone too far thankfully. He lovingly turned back around and pulled apart the laundry room looking for what I thought I had seen.
In Harry Potter, the wizards refuse to utter the name of the villain because it instills them with such an extreme fear. In my case, that word is... s-s-s-snake. I cannot stand them. I hate them with a passion. They scare me to my very core. To think I saw one in my home? Well, you can imagine how I responded.
Calm, collected, I said goodbye to my husband after he left to go back to work...ha! No, I freaked out. I was crying, hysterical, on the phone to my parents, who told me I was being ridiculous. In that moment, I did not want rational thinking. I just wanted to have someone come stay with me or pick me up. Rationality was out the door! And soon, so was I, standing in the enclosed patio with my baby girl, wishing I had a license so I could go somewhere. Anywhere but here, I thought.
And the worst part of all this is: I do believe I saw a snake...or at the very least something that truly looked like one. But my husband did not find anything, nor anything that resembled one. Is there actually one? If so, is it still in the laundry room chilling? Is it somewhere else in my home now? Was there ever one there?
Fear. The enemy thought it would be fun to sharpen the point on that one today. And here I now sit, quaking in my boots, unsure when the next wave of attacks will begin. I'm still reeling from the first onslaught. I will just rely on the One who can conquer the enemy. Prayer! Prayer! Prayer! And faith. God please grant me strength! I am so weary from this battle...
