I wish I had some fantastic revelation to share with you this February afternoon, but alas I am in the midst of some trials, rather than at the end of them. However, one can still learn from the process as well as the conclusion. I am learning...the only problem, I am still at that point where it is all a jumble and I must sort it out what God is showing me with the rest of the junk that fills my head.
My husband and I are incredibly thankful for our home. We are excited to have an investment into our future; A place to raise our children, Lord willing, and create many more happy memories. As with anything, owning a home has its many advantages and disadvantages. I know we are not the only ones to have a leak in the roof or have a water pump go (while they're in the shower!) but that does not mean it is any less real to us. I will have to shake the next person who asks how we're doing, listens patiently as we explain the woes of having to redo our roof etc. and then replies with "Welcome to home ownership!" As my husband pointed out, "It's a redundant statement." It does not help the situation and it does not console the person. We are thankful for our home but we are also human and can only take so much stress. Between the house conspiring to have everything seemingly go in consecutive order, the warranty that was purchased that does not cover anything of importance and the expenses that each of these repairs or replacements add to our regular monthly spending, we feel quite disheartened.
We are not sure what God is trying to teach us, but we think it is along the lines of "Trust!" I know I struggle with this simple action..."Let go and let God!" Despite our lack of faith at times, He has provided through these times of financial instability and my many insecurities, which I have touched on in past blogs. He is still there. He waits with open arms for me to unload my burden on Him and embrace Him. One thing is clear to both my husband and I, without God we would be sunk.
I am also struggling in another area of trust. It seems I do not have much of a filter on my truthfulness. I know I have mentioned this before: If you seem nice enough and are willing to listen, I will eventually start spilling my heart, only to consider afterwards if that was wise. I have walked away from many a conversation wondering "Hm, was that too much information?" I believe this stems from a overeager desire to point out my flaws or explain certain behaviours before other people do. I also blurt out personal struggles when I am trying to keep the peace. It is sort of like I am speaking one big disclaimer all the time. The world so indoctrinates us with political correctness, that I stumble over my words and start interjecting my statements with "Well..." "But not everyone..." "But that's my opinion" etc. It is frustrating and can make me quite inaffective as a Christian.
Sometimes I am so open, but the fear of offending also keeps all the important things close to my chest. I need to filter properly. Save the struggles for a testimony and for those who it is relavent to. I don't need to volunteer explanations. If someone walks into my house and starts making some well-meaning, but tactless, comments about the tidiness, I do not need to dig out all the baggage that has led up to that day and the house being in its present state. They dropped by unannounced, before I could get to it, and I owe them no explanation. However, there are people in my life who I really need to speak up about God to...and yet my tongue is numb. It flops about in my mouth barely articulating anything of importance between the nervous laughter and flustered hand motions that accompany my speech.
Yes, it goes back to keeping the peace. I have been attacked by loved ones and friends for my beliefs and because of those attacks I have become Melissa: Christian*. That little star implies there is a further explanation..."I am not perfect" has been taken to such an extreme with me that I share my flaws with everyone, lest I be accused again of being "a holier than thou (expletive)." Sigh So, perhaps there is a revelation in all this after all. If it is only meant for me, so be it, but I hope that you may benefit from my realization. Are you doing this too? Have you done with before?
I have people in my life, who I care about very much, who are walking down the wrong path or straying from the Truth. It breaks my heart, but I am mum most of the time. I write these blogs, sure, but none of the people I am thinking of read this. This is something I struggle with on and off. I miss being in a Christian school, where there were many opportunities for outreach and ministry...but then again, as our pastor points out, our testimony is not at church it is when we walk out those doors and into the world.
So, once more, I will get up and trust that God will provide and He'll use me where He needs me because He loves me, despite me. Wow, that's a lot of "me's" :) Remember, it is all about Him! Is there any reason to fret when He is in control? No, my heart knows this, just have to exercise that knowledge more often. Is there any reason to not speak of the eternal life He has given me? No! It is a diservice to those around me!
"And He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority. But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me."
Yes, it goes back to keeping the peace. I have been attacked by loved ones and friends for my beliefs and because of those attacks I have become Melissa: Christian*. That little star implies there is a further explanation..."I am not perfect" has been taken to such an extreme with me that I share my flaws with everyone, lest I be accused again of being "a holier than thou (expletive)." Sigh So, perhaps there is a revelation in all this after all. If it is only meant for me, so be it, but I hope that you may benefit from my realization. Are you doing this too? Have you done with before?
I have people in my life, who I care about very much, who are walking down the wrong path or straying from the Truth. It breaks my heart, but I am mum most of the time. I write these blogs, sure, but none of the people I am thinking of read this. This is something I struggle with on and off. I miss being in a Christian school, where there were many opportunities for outreach and ministry...but then again, as our pastor points out, our testimony is not at church it is when we walk out those doors and into the world.
So, once more, I will get up and trust that God will provide and He'll use me where He needs me because He loves me, despite me. Wow, that's a lot of "me's" :) Remember, it is all about Him! Is there any reason to fret when He is in control? No, my heart knows this, just have to exercise that knowledge more often. Is there any reason to not speak of the eternal life He has given me? No! It is a diservice to those around me!
"And He said to them, “It is not for you to know times or seasons which the Father has put in His own authority. But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me."
(Acts 1:7-8a)
In Christ,
PS: Check out these songs!
Here I Go Again- Casting Crowns
Surrender- Barlowgirl
* From the heart.
