As I grow, it seems I am more and more aware of where I have come from. The path I have trodden is riddled with pitfalls and stones but somehow, despite it all, I am able to stand tall and look back. I do have to be careful to not dwell on the past, for I do have a terrible tendency to harbor bitterness. However, the fact that I acknowledge this is a sign of just how far I have come.
It can get discouraging to constantly feel my conscience pricking my heart or seeing the many so-called character flaws I possess. Still, there was a time where I would not admit to such things and that is why I feel that acknowledging them is a sign of growth for me. There is something to be said for admitting you have a problem first, in order to "fix" it.
The next sign that I have improved in character over the years, is that I am beginning to realize that even though I am flawed and can change, I cannot do it alone, nor overnight. It takes time, which is really aggravating, but understandable. A flower may seemingly bloom overnight but how long did it take for that planted seed to sprout up out of the ground? It is going to take patience and perseverance. You have to accept that you are going to have good days and bad days. For example: If you are following an exercise regime, you may have a day where you're eager to get out there and tackle the task at hand, whereas other days you just don't feel like even getting off the couch, let alone jogging around the block.
In high school, I remember my English teacher told us about Benjamin Franklin (I believe) and how he tried to break one habit or issue at a time. He would devote something like twenty-one days to each habit, in order to perfect it. However, he noticed that once he moved onto the next issue, the previous one crept back into his life. That will happen! I don't think we will see perfection this side of heaven, outside of the description of Jesus in the Bible. Do not strive to be Christ, strive to be like Christ.
Jesus was without sin. We are not. Thus, it is impossible for us to truly rid ourselves of every issue in our lives that causes us strife. Just work on them as they come up. If you are tempted to swear when you stub your foot, bite your lip. If you know there is something you struggle with, remove yourself from the temptation.
But that is in the area of temptation. I am also talking about attitude. My attitude towards life can be very negative, depressing, self-centered and skewed. So, how do I work on things like that? Again, tackle them as they come up. That doesn't mean I cannot read the Bible in the meantime, pray, or attend church, all things which promote spiritual growth and character but I can also give each thing to God as I am made aware.
Last night I was discussing with my husband how I feel about being a housewife. I told him "You know, this is against my very nature," referring to the fact I am very self-centered at times and lazy. I grew up with my mom telling me I had better marry rich so I could get a maid since I expected to be waited on hand and foot. That is why I chose to be a housewife though. Taking care of the household and my husband brings me joy. Yes, I do, like any human being, desire applause and a pat on the back from time to time, but there won't be any parade in honor of me doing the dishes. I have to accept that I am not doing this for praise. Today's message in Our Daily asked something along the lines of "If you knew that no one would find out about your act of kindness, would you do it anyway?"
Through the simple day-to-day chores of taking out the trash, folding laundry, cooking dinner etc. I find I am working on my attitude and growing. I am learning to do things for myself. If I want a good meal, I have to take the time to make it. When I need a clean dish, it's up to me to put them in the dishwasher. (I know, I got it so hard now, don't I?)
---So, in my day if I start out with some devotions it helps my negative perspective, as well.
---The appreciation my husband shows me for all I do, helps shake the depression because it helps me feel like I have a purpose. Also, attending church and hearing God's word helps that!! Seriously!
---And obviously serving someone else, helps me not to be so self-centered and makes me want to give in other areas. Studying God's word and seeing His provision time and again has also made me more willing to part with things for the sake of helping others. I used to freak when people came over and started eating food that I had set aside for meals or snacks, because I didn't know if we would be able to replace it. However, I am learning that is silly since God always fills a need and then some. How selfish of me to hoard something that wasn't a necessity anyhow, it was gift.
Well, those are just some of my thoughts on improving myself. I hope perhaps you've been encouraged to continue striving to be Christ-like and not give up. Don't forget, He loves us no matter what. My husband knew that I had some personal struggles, like anxiety attacks, but he told me that he asked himself "If she never changes and stays the way she is, will that be okay with me?" He decided that the answer was "yes" and asked me to marry him. He went into this marriage surrendering me to God. If he loves me that much, despite my flaws, how much more does God love you?
In Christ,
Melissa
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
---John 15:13---
