It's amazing how I often I hear God whispering His truths, yet turn around and cry "Why aren't you guiding me?!" Still, He reveals Himself in the rainbow painted across the sky, in the refreshing rain falling to the earth and through the love of my husband. His love is written upon my life in so many ways but I sometimes find myself angry of this.
It's so much easier to crumble in a heap, cold tears washing over my cheeks and just shut Him out. Following a godly life is a challenge. I look around me at the world. I wish that I didn't have a nagging conscience piercing my heart at every turn. "Don't listen to that" "You shouldn't watch this." "Never do that." I start to harden and look at myself as a lunatic. Bitterness and resentment build up in my heart because I am so hardened. I've been challenged in my faith and I somewhere along the line closed off something I really liked about myself...my heart. I closed it off. Nothing seems to get in and what's worse, it's hard to get things out too. Love doesn't spill out like it used to. I've become so numb and unable to express my love of God. Blog ideas came to me so easily before but then I became overwhelmed at the thought of offending someone. I started to believe that I really had nothing to offer anyhow. Who wants to hear about all this God stuff? My blog would likely get a lot more attention if I plastered some seductive picture of me on my profile, and talked like everyone else.
I'm not supposed to be like everyone else though. Christians are called to be set apart. Why does that torment me so? Well, I've seen me when my life is all about God and I've seen me when I succumb to listening to music I know is wrong. I somehow convinced myself that it couldn't touch me anyhow. It wouldn't effect me if I didn't let it. That is a false rationalization. I found myself sucked into an episode of Maury the other day. He had a bunch of mothers come on the show to confront their teenage daughters about how they were living. They needed to know if their daughters were lieing to them about having sex. I watched in horror, yet completely engrossed as each girl walked out on stage waving both her middle fingers and constantly bellowing "You don't know me!" with a myriad of bleeps interjected. Each of them threw a fit as Maury announced the results of the lie detector tests, which found they were indeed sleeping around. I couldn't help but wonder if it was scripted, but still I watched these fourteen, thirteen and fifteen year old girls tell their mothers "I'm grown up! You need to back off! It's my life!" They were little girls and wanted to be out in the world, living it up. Of course, the solution on the show was to bring in a couple guys to scream at them and then send them to jail for a few days, to have women yell at them. As the show wrapped up, I felt sad. I'm sure it would take a pretty stubborn soul to not be torn apart by that experience. But what about when they went home again and the shock treatment wore off? Would that stick? Would it be enough to keep those girls from being raped, getting pregnact or contracting an STD later down the line?
Aside from feeling completely lethargic and worn after watching that show, I realized how grateful I was to have parents who loved me dearly. I was also grateful to have God in my life. A few days later I watched a video on Barlowgirl's website, where one of the girls is explaining the inspiration behind the song Psalm 73. She shared that we look at the world sometimes, and think they have it better. They're partying and living life to its fullest. That's all they'll ever have though. This life will pass and they will live in eternal torment. Ultimately, they are empty inside. What is there to look forward to when there is no hope in your heart? I have that hope! I've tasted the world and it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. It leaves my heart heavy and burdened. My head is foggy and pained. This life is transient. My treasure is not here. It's being stored somewhere where nothing can destroy it. No one can take it away from me. On this earth, I want to genuinely be able to say "My God's enough for me."(Psalm 73-Barlowgirl) I've taken a deep look at my own life. I know right now I cannot completely and honestly say this. Can you say God is enough for you? Do you have this hope in your heart? These questions may seem simple enough. A quick "yes" or "no." But I challenge you to dig deeper and truly search your heart. If your answer is yes, I pray you'll remain strong in the Lord. If your answer is no, I pray you will desire that hope. It will remain open to you, as long as you live on this earth. I pray you accept it.
